Have We Met?

A dear friend of mine, “Jamel”, posed an interesting question a few days ago. We were going back and forth via instant e-mail (you know, the phenomenon similar to instant messaging or g-chatting, but on the professional scale (so it appears as though you’re doing work, not talking and theorizing with your friends)), when he raised an interesting point. He asked me whether or not I thought he had a quick temper. The immediate reply was “no”. I’ve dealt with guys - well, one in particular - with the quickest tempers imaginable, and Jamel’s did not compare.

He proceeded to elaborate, explaining the context of the question, and how it related back to a former relationship of his. Therein, I recognized the problem: I don’t know “Relationship Jamel”; I know “Normal Jamel”. The dichotomy is incredible, particularly because we all possess these two sides. The person we are in a relationship varies tremendously from the everyday person we present to our peers, family and best friends. Though they may know us well, or may only see sides of us that we choose to present, their viewpoint is entirely limited. The boundaries in a relationship, however, expand. As we innately search for life partners, we allow ourselves to be more vulnerable, more selfish, more thoughtful, more poignant, and more reckless. Every emotion intensifies. If our significant other makes us angry, we’re not mad – we’re pissed. We’re furious. We’re livid. If our S.O. brightens our day – maybe we’re in love? Is this the way love feels? Is he the ONE? We smile our smiles wider. Our tears fall harder. We sometimes speak before we think, thus our apologies run deeper. Whew.

In a previous relationship, I remember keeping a journal and wondering: Am I crazy about him, or does he just make me crazy? The newness of an intense relationship is bound to raise that question. And though that particular relationship has faded (for the most part) I still find myself searching for an answer for that one…

One thing I really value about one of my first boyfriends (whom I dated on-and-off-again throughout high school and college) is that, not only have we remained friends, but he has remained honest with me. I can call “Gabriel” in the midst of any new relationship and ask him critical questions about my relationship self. He is, after all, one of the few people who actually know her. I may exhibit a quiet intensity for the things I love: French, music, dance, mixed drinks, etc. (Like, I don’t just like Little Brother; I LOVE Little Brother. I don’t just like Tryst in Adams Morgan, or Serendipity on the Upper East Side, or Flying Biscuit on West Paces Ferry; I love those places. And, whenever I can get two or more of the bridesmaids in one place – I’m in heaven.) But, my relationship self/alter-ego eagerly delves deep into the peculiarities of intimacy. There is no quiet – there is only intensity. And if the sentiments about my livelihood are any indicator, one can only imagine how deep the still waters run once I’ve entered a serious relationship. I embrace those bottomless, still waters. They drench me. I submerge.

“Gabriel” reminds me that I have a tendency to pick things apart. He reminds me that I’m over-analytical. He tells me I need to relax and oftentimes, he’s right. But he also tells me not to settle for less. He reminds me that I’m beautiful. He keeps me clairvoyant.

In relationships, I am profoundly passionate. I make myself vulnerable in situations where, with anyone else, I would not. I reveal a side of myself that I’m otherwise careful to protect. I run up my cell phone bill though I don’t consider myself a “phone person”. I pinch, poke, kiss, hug, wrestle, bite, headlock, tease and handhold because that’s how I show affection. And. Wow. My relationship self is super-affectionate. In fact, there is an interesting theory about love languages and how we best express affection for others. http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/30sec.html#love

My inability to answer Jamel’s question provided insight to a powerful and dynamic concept: the normal self vs. the relationship self. I think that the Single Aesthetic here is being able to recognize the personality differences and nuances you share with people based on your relationship to them. Even more beauty lies in the ability to consciously work on the relationship self, preparing her (or him) for a future partner. We cannot change facets (or variances) of our own personalities before we realize they exist. And, I venture to say you need not be in a current relationship to channel the relationship self and begin that internal conversation… that is, assuming there are things that need to change. I think I like my relationship self. She’s pretty cool. She knows how to cook, enjoys watching the game and plays well with others. So for the time being, until she meets someone special, I’ll keep her tucked away in a safe place. No need in getting Mr. Right Now all confused…

The Guide to Scraping Pennies and Feeling Fabulous!

7. Do It Yourself. It's so easy to continue college trends - when Mommy and Daddy paid for everything - into young adulthood. Hair appointments, nail appointments and car servicing, were all "necessities" in school, and continue to be post graduation. As we progress into adulthood and the workforce, we're tempted by many "grown-up" luxuries that sometimes bear a costly price tag. During the interim period, between college life allowance and junior level income, a difficult challenge presents itself - how do I afford all of my responsibilities, and manage simple luxuries as well?

Many services that we pay others to perform can easily be accomplished if we invest our own time into them. Instead of paying your hairdresser $40+ for a one-time shampoo and style, spend about $35 on KeraCare shampoo and conditioner. Chi products work well too, and can be purchased online at sites such as Amazon.com. Investing in a Fhi flat iron will also be helpful, and will pay for itself after three or four uses. Washing and styling your own hair may take some getting used to, especially if you've relied on a hairdresser for years upon years. But, you'll find that, with practice, taking care of your own hair will be cost-efficient and maybe even therapeutic. If you're less inclined to "do-it-yourself" then find a friend who is willing to do it for you. A best friend should help you out for the free. A good friend might charge you (at a cheaper cost than your regular hairdresser, of course). And, there should always be room for negotiation. Maybe you can't pay your "good friend" in dollars, but can help her paint her bathroom, or pack up before next month's move. Now you're both saving money. No hairdresser. No painters or movers. Win-win!

Nail care is the same. The purchase of a simple(or even elaborate) manicure set will prove to be much cheaper than weekly nail appointments. You may even prefer your own handiwork over that of the Koreans.

Simple car maintenance, such as oil changes and car cleaning can be performed solo. If you're weary about making a disasterous mistake, have a car-savvy friend help you out. Changing your own oil is much cheaper than the $40 dealership fee. Be sure to keep track of the mileage, and be on your merry way!

8. Spend a Night In. Pick up a good book. Rent or buy a DVD. Invite friends over. There are endless possibilities when you choose to stay home for an evening. I'm really into French, so lately I've been picking up grade-level chapter books en francais. Though the story content reads on a 5th grade level, the overall goal of attaining fluency in French is reached in a fun, yet challenging manner.

Love to cook? Pick up a few things at the Grocery Store (Suggestion #1) and invite friends over. You can test a new recipe, enjoy a new bottle of wine, and catch a newly released flick on DVD. If you're tired of your own DVD collection, TNT, TBS, FX or USA usually has pretty cool picks for Saturday night movies. If you're feeling culturally adventurous, try TCM or AMC. Film oldies can be hard to beat! Plus, this downtime is great for really catching up with your BFFs. You'll notice that drunken convos over loud music don't have the quite same affect as tipsy convos over good food. Sometimes work, love lives, young professional mixers and regular gym workouts can dilute the potency of solid, rare friendships. Finding quiet time to reconnect is literally priceless...

9. Cut Back. This one is HARD. We live in a world of excess. And sometimes, we just want to integrate into societal norms without thinking so much about it, right? Welp. No can do. When you're really scraping pennies, you sometimes have to go without. Ashlyn made a really good point to me via email not too long ago. She said "I'm working a few years of my life NOW the way others won't, so I can live the rest of my life LATER, like others can't. I'm getting higher, closer to my dreams."

We have to pay it forward. We have to realize that, by not putting ourselves in debt now, we'll be able to live a more prosperous life later. Moreover, we're young enough to still enjoy life without excessive luxuries and costs. Later, we'll appreciate them so much more, because we've done due diligence in achieving our goals.

Cutting back applies to damn near everything. Avoid making those last-minute purchases in the check-out line. Avoid the snack machine when you're having cravings. Combine trips so you use less gas (Suggestion #3). Shop smart. Think to re-use something before throwing it out. Skip appetizers or dessert on your next dinner date. Buy fewer martinis at the next lounge. Try to save those pennies wherever you can, as often as possible.

10. Change Your Mentality. Know that ONE DAY, this will all pay off... literally.

The Guide to Scraping Pennies and Feeling Fabulous!

4. Find an IKEA. Much like the Dollar Tree, IKEA is your friend. From furniture shopping down to the smallest home accessories – this megastore has it all. At first, I was less than inclined to choose the bulk of my home décor from IKEA. For starters, I was unsure of the quality of certain home products. I didn’t want my things falling apart after three months of use, you know? Additionally, I didn’t want things that everyone else had. If you’re a young professional in a major city, you have at least one friend whose home looks like an IKEA catalog. Not interested in that, either. Finally, the place can be a bit overwhelming. If you’re not sure of exactly what you’re looking for, you can wind up spending too much or walking out empty-handed. So, here are a few suggestions for tackling the home-shopping crisis.

Browse online first. Make note of things you absolutely need. Also, keep track of styles, colors and overall home themes that appeal to you. Make sure that the items you want from IKEA will integrate well with what you already have. The idea here is to save money, not to repurchase things you already have. Choose things based on functionality, too. For example, a coffee table or side table might also serve as storage space. Thus, instead of having to buy a trunk or small bookcase in addition to a new table, you’re able to combine your needs into one purchase.

Walk through the entire store before shopping. IKEA’s are unrealistically huge. If you start picking things up as soon as you enter the store, you’ll end up with more than you need. If you do a walk-through first, and digest everything the store has to offer, you’ll be more conscious of what you pick up in the second go-round.

Compare prices. Many IKEA pieces are built similarly, but vary in price. Be willing to make compromises with your original picks to get the best value for your dollar.

Get out of there!! Once you’ve found your home necessities, there will be all these new things you seem to need, which is odd, because you didn’t realize you “needed” them until you stepped foot in this place. IKEA does an AMAZING job at tempting you at every corner. If you’re buying a comforter, the store places decorative pillows and afghans in the very next row. Well, they’re only $10 you will think to yourself. But these seemingly minor purchases will add up once you reach the register. Start basic. In a few weeks, come back for those additional pieces you wanted (if you still want them). After all, this megastore isn’t going anywhere anytime soon…

5. Buy it Used.There are so many great, rare finds just waiting for you in someone else’s living room, kitchen, garage, closet, and possibly even on their person. Thrift stores, consignment boutiques, and estate sales are excellent sources for any and everything ranging from pearl earrings to antique armoires. Your local paper can provide details for estate sales each weekend. Flea markets and yard sales can be eventful, fun places to shop and discover. You may stumble upon the exact CD you lost a few months ago, or find the perfect photo frames for recent vacation pictures. Fans of Design on a Dime might also appreciate second-hand stores and markets for purchasing furniture and houseware (as an alternative to the gargantuan IKEA).

Craigslist, eBay, and Amazon.com also offer an extensive variety of used and discounted products. Consignment boutiques may require some research depending on where you live… but upon discovering one, treat it as a rare find! Much of my new wardrobe comes from a charming little boutique right in my neighborhood. Here, I’ve found used Citizen Jeans, Louboutin patent-leather pumps, a Marc Jacobs shoulder bag, and countless summer tops. This place is a jewel!

Going “used” doesn’t always mean used by strangers. Some of your best friends are potential sources of new-used stuff. This fall, for example, instead of dashing off to Neiman’s for the latest finds, host an Exchange Party with your BFFs. Everyone should bring clothes that she no longer wears. At the party, each person holds up one of the garments she brought, explaining where/when she got it, why she no longer wants it, and maybe offers a cute anecdote about where the garment has been. From there, let the trading begin. At the end of the party, whatever is unclaimed is donated to charity. (And, if you add wine and light hors d’oeuvres to the mix, the party will surely last well past the clothes exchange!)



Some helpful sites include:
http://www.goodwill.org/page/guest/about
http://www.thethriftshopper.com/
www.craigslist.org/
http://www.estatesales.net/


6. Look for Deals. Deals come in all shapes and sizes. Looking for deals, however, leads us away from “necessity” shopping and progresses down the path of “luxury” shopper. Deals are for those who aren’t quite “dead broke” but would prefer not to break the bank in order to have a good time. I admit I’m acquiring a bit of an expensive taste these days. Though it has not gotten the best of me, an occasional splurge, in my opinion, is warranted when I’m made to fax, file and invoice for hours on end. If you have expensive taste, there are websites dedicated to tracking down these brand names and highlighting amazing sales prices. Shopbop.com is one example.

Deals are also important when going out for a night on the town. Instead of reverting back to the same old spots, look for new things to do in your city. Most major cities have some sort of alternative publication that highlights the forthcoming week’s events, drink specials, art exhibits, poetry slams, concerts, etc. These opportunities are usually pretty cheap, if not free. If you’re not into new things, and prefer the “same old spot”… well, that’s sad. But, your “same old spot” probably has a mailing list for you to join. From there, you’ll receive updates about guest performers, special promotions, happy hours, and the like. But really, you should try something new. It’s good for you!

http://www.shopbop.com/
http://www.shopittome.com/
http://www.dailycandy.com/
http://www.creativeloafing.com/
http://www.citysearch.com/

Also check out the City Paper, offered in cities such as DC, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Charleston, and Nashville…

The Guide to Scraping Pennies and Feeling Fabulous!

I’m tired of being dead broke. It hinders me from obtaining the things I need, and prevents me from having things I just want. Being broke manifests itself into troubling headaches, chronic crankiness, and completely stifles my personal life. It has forced me to extend my lease with my roommate, though I’d rather live alone. It has plagued me with debt, and continues to raise my stress level. I’m tired of being dead broke.

But, necessity is the mother of invention. When something is lacking in our lives, we must find ways to fill the void. Of course, “dead broke” is a bit of an exaggeration. If I were ever in dire need of anything, mom and dad would provide. However, I’ve always been a little too independent. So, I resort to my own creative methods of self-sufficiency before I ever request anything from them. With that in mind, I’ve devised a list of “creative ways” to scrape pennies and look fabulous doing so. Indeed, I have the answers. Thus, without further delay, I present the Single Aesthetic’s Guide to Scraping Pennies and Feeling Fabulous!!

We will start with the necessities, and build our way up to the luxuries. Single young professionals of all walks of life can benefit from a few (if not all) of these tips.

1. Grocery Shop. Sounds pretty basic, right? The idea, however, is to grocery shop as opposed to eating out so often. Now, if the company is paying for your meals, then this doesn’t apply to you. But if your average bank statement includes multiple trips to Starbucks, Subway, Cosi, CPK, fast-food spots, neighborhood grilles, and fancy dinner restaurants, then you should grocery shop. The amount of money you spend in two days eating out, if spent at Kroger’s or Publix, could last you for two weeks. You needn’t be a chef, either. There are very basic recipes that even the most simple-minded among us could prepare. “But what if I like specialty things that can only be purchased at the store??” Don’t worry. If you crave coffee in the morning, buy a coffeemaker. You can still purchase coffee beans from Starbucks (or Caribou, etc.) and brew your own each morning. It’s cheaper, and it tastes the same – I promise. Crave smoothies? Buy a blender and invest in fresh fruit once a week. Instead of giving Jamba Juice $6 daily, spend about $15 at Harris Teeter on organic bananas, fresh strawberries and whatever else you prefer. What would have bought you 2.5 smoothies at Jamba Juice will last you a week at home. Also, by signing up for grocery store rewards programs, you’ll be sure to save even more money. Don’t be adverse to cutting coupons either. It may seem overly frugal, but you will save a LOT of pennies in the long haul.

2. Find a Dollar Tree. Wait! Don’t turn your nose up. This store is not to be confused with Dollar General or The Dollar Store. These stores tend to be a free-for-all, with products haphazardly shoved on shelves. And, the items within these stores are never actually a dollar. They are cheap – don’t get me wrong – but not a dollar. The store names are pretty misleading, actually. But, I will swear by Dollar Tree. Everything in here is honestly and truly ONE DOLLAR. Sometimes, they’re two-for-one, which is always great! But I digress. Dollar Tree provides CVS and Rite Aid conveniences and products with low, low pricing. For instance, use these receipts to compare.

http://www.dollartree.com/index.cfm

See. I just saved you $22. That’s at least a quarter-tank of gas, which brings me to Concept #3…

3. Save Gas. There are a number of ways to do this. Naturally, the best way is to find station with the cheapest prices. This site is pretty helpful: http://www.gasbuddy.com/. From there, it’s important to purchase gas early in the morning. The ground is cooler, the gas is denser and thus you’ll get more gas for your buck. Pump gas slowly, to avoid filtering air into the tank as you refuel. If possible, pump gas using the first notch on the gas handle. It’s time consuming, but it works. Avoid waiting until Friday to buy gas. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are the cheapest days of the week to refuel. Purchase lower-octane gasoline. If your car can handle regular gas (like my Honda CRV) then that’s what you should use. Don’t top off when pumping gas. Try not to let your gas gauge slip under a quarter tank. Always tighten your cap after pumping to reduce gas evaporation. Keep your vehicle properly maintained, meaning: keep tires inflated, keep oil changed, avoid constantly breaking and accelerating, etc. Limit AC use, which can be facilitated by parking in the shade or parking garages, and cracking your windows (when safety permits) to allow ventilation when you’re away from your car. Improve your gas mileage by using cruise control on the highway and driving the speed limit on surface streets. (As a speed demon myself, this is difficult for me - but if it means I’ll save money, I’m all for it!) Also, remove excess “stuff” from your trunk. The lighter your car is, the more efficiently it will use gas. These articles may also be helpful:

http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/SavingandDebt/SaveonaCar/10waysToFindCheapGas.aspx
http://www.howtoadvice.com/savinggas
http://www.usnews.com/articles/business/your-money/2008/05/14/8-new-ways-to-save-on-gas.html

More tips to come later!

Lions and Tigers and ... Cougars?! Oh MY

“Hey la, hey la! My boyfriend’s back!”
-The Angels

Sometime last week I ventured to the gym for a routine workout. Well, it wasn’t really “routine” as I typically get to the gym around 7pm. On that particular day, I was heading in around 4. My boss had been letting us leave early all week, as there was mind-numbing construction noise that prevented us from working. At least, that was her excuse. Regardless, I headed in around 4, changed clothes, and hopped on the elliptical machine. Bummed that I was too early to catch re-runs of CSI on Spike TV, I flipped through the channels, landing on CNN. Wolf Blitzer was saying something incredibly profound when something caught the corner of my eye. There he was – my gym boyfriend.

I’ve gotten into the habit of calling cute guys, whom I admire from afar, my “boyfriends”. This is done, not in the delusional, psychopathic, self-pitying way… but in the fun, silly, self-entertaining way. I assure you, I am completely sane by society’s standards (unless you ask any of my real-life ex-boyfriends, and that’s another story). So this guy, “Jon”, works the front desk at my gym. He’s a student at a local College, and I assumed that he had left for the summer. I was surprised, to say the least, and pleasantly distracted from Wolf’s commentary about Obama versus McCain when I saw him. His hair had grown. He was locking, but his hair was still in the baby phase, with twists extending no longer than an inch all around. His smile was the same though.

After a tiring work-out, I walked back to the front desk to retrieve my ID and make small-talk with the boy. Yes, he was younger than I, but so what? A little flirting never hurt nobody… nor did occasional texting, or a phone call here and there. We had never gone out on an official “date” before. In fact, I’d never even seen him outside of the modern, glassy walls of the gym. So, yeah, we could catch up for a minute or two.

Fast forward (or rewind) a few days and I’m in another city, laughing and partying with yet another young (read: younger) man. In one city we were semi-dancing at a house party – plotting the quickest escape route. In another city, we were poking fun at each other in the midst of mutual friends catching up, joking, and laughing all around us. I’ll call this boy “Lewis”. He’s a tall guy with gorgeous skin, a broad smile, and a quaint southern accent. Though I only see him sporadically (when I’m in his city, or our mutual friends have decided to vacation together), the situation works well. I’m not in a place in my life where I’m ready to be “serious” about a guy. The truth of the matter is this: I’m already too serious about everything else! I’m serious about work, grad school, my career and my family. I can’t really afford to put men on the short list, just yet. So, I entertain the nice guys that come along and keep me smiling for short increments of time. Is it odd that they just so happen to be at least one year younger than I am?

There’s this ongoing joke among my friends about how our generation is full of “Cougars”. We’re women who prey on younger men. Geez. Is it my fault they are the ones who know how to act right? Men are allowed – encouraged, even – to take their time in “settling down”. They are expected to sew their oats, establish themselves financially, first, and then decide if a family is right for them. Well, in that same spirit, Carrie Bradshaw has practically re-invented the Women’s Rights Movement. Yes, birth control, Roe vs. Wade and women’s suffrage have been around for awhile now, but Carrie made it sexy to be in control, to make “manly” choices, and feel no sense of regret… and in PUMPS no less! No, I’m not saying this fictitious character deserves all the credit. Candace Bushnell and Darren Star don’t deserve it either. But, there’s something to be said for those who can expose hypocrisy in a vivid, witty, entertaining light...

So, I’m feeling liberated. I’m feeling like – hey, nobody’s getting married here; we’re just flirting/dancing/partying and enjoying life… and what not. Call me a Cougar, but this is what being young is about. My own mother has my dad beat by two years. Ooh. Maybe it’s genetic? Regardless, visionaries from Mary Wollstonecraft and Elizabeth Cady Stanton to Betty Friedan and even Miss Carrie Bradshaw (manolo blahniks in tow), have made it possible for young women like myself to fully enjoy life. So, that’s just what I plan to do.

Now, please excuse me, but I have to go. I have a t-shirt, mesh jogging shorts, and some old, gray New Balances waiting for me in a Puma bag, in my car…

Wednesday is a gym day.

Just a Taste, Pt. II

After dragging myself out of bed, Ashlyn drove me to meet Matthew for a play. The performance took place at Steppenwolf, which is only the most amazing theater in all of Chicago (or so I’ve been told). Dead Man’s Cell Phone was an interesting, though somewhat odd, play that took an in-depth look at how relationships are born after someone passes away. A woman named Jean discovers a very recently deceased man at a local café, and answers his incessantly ringing cell phone. At first, she picks up to quiet the ever ringing phone. Later, however, she becomes entwined in the dead man’s life – consoling callers as they learn about his death, offering condolences to close family members, and even assuming peculiar chores from the dead man’s illegal occupation. Though the undertones of the play explored valid and thought-provoking concepts… the presentation was quirky in most places, funny in some, and odd in all.

Matt and I grabbed food afterwards and explored Wrigleyville, where his apartment was located. Though housed in a modest studio apartment on Chicago’s north side, I had to hand it to the man. His big dreams were surely going to take him places. He had left school, after six years of due diligence, degree-less. Yes, he had changed majors a few times… but by the end of this twelfth semester with the ACC university, after tirelessly completing a thesis and presentation upon which final credits depended, the school “regretted to inform him” that his thesis topic had not been approved. WTF? Huh? What?!

So, he packed up his things, sold his major possessions (along with much of his clothing) and headed home. There, he left his car, bought himself a one-way ticket, and moved to Chicago. He bummed around on friend’s couches and floors for as long as they would let him. He waited tables by day, and acted by night. Sometimes, he would pick up a full-time gig at touristy places like Navy Pier. Other times, it was a hustle just to buy food. But, he was living the life of a starving artist. He was predestined to succeed, and didn’t mind paying his dues. I admire and applaud him to no end.

Very few of us have the gumption, wherewithal, tenacity or drive to do the things Matt has done. We dream big, but act slowly. We trudge along the path everyone before us has taken. We mimic the exact same complaints our predecessors spoke. We talk the talk, but we don’t walk the walk. Matthew literally dropped everything he was doing and said “my dreams are in Chicago”. After acting in a student-run Improv Group in college, performing as the university mascot at major sporting events, and asserting himself in every way imaginable in the theater world, Matt decided it was time. He would move to Chicago, build his resume, and then relocate to New York to join the cast of SNL. It sounds far-fetched, right? It sounds “nice” but unrealistic, right? Well… if you saw this man’s apartment, or sat across from him, dangling your feet over Lake Michigan while laughing about high school days, or listened to the passion in his voice as he described the work he’s done in less than a year… then you would understand. You would believe. And soon, you will. His Seven-Year Plan is well underway. He has remarkable productions under his belt, including one at Steppenwolf. He is gifted, talented, and driven. The ingredients are there, and over the course of our conversation on Sunday I was given just a taste of what his future holds…

I can’t wait for the main course.



http://www.steppenwolf.org/
and, catch the same production on Broadway, featuring one of my faves:
http://theater2.nytimes.com/2008/03/05/theater/reviews/05cell.html

Just a Taste, Pt. I

It was like perusing the last ten years of my life, while sampling the tastiest cuisine Chicago has to offer. Or, visiting a museum of sorts… but with better concessions. As soon as I hopped of the plane, my linesister/honors fraternity brother/dear friend picked me up in her Honda, which I fondly remembered as a party-mobile from our college days. I was beaming. I had never visited the Windy City before, and I could only imagine what the weekend had in store for us.

We dashed home so that she could change/recuperate from her evening. Then, we headed to The Taste. At the entrance, one of my BEST friends from high school, “Matthew” was sitting, waiting for us. He called my name, I spun around, and there he was. He was as tall and handsome as ever. He still had that broad smile. His foreshadowing grin alluded to inside jokes we would revisit over the next few days and new anecdotes from both of our lives that would keep us in stitches; it signified a genuine love between two strictly platonic friends whose bond had survived over a decade.

I made the introductions: “high school friend, meet college friend,” and vice versa. As we made our way down the crowded street, who did we stumble upon but more high school friends. Guys I hadn’t seen since Christmas – whom I hadn’t expected to see again until Thanksgiving. The world is so small. “Heeyyy!” we smiled and cheered. Half-embracing, half-leaning back to get good looks at one another, we simultaneously began pulling out our cameras to capture the moment. Phone numbers were exchanged, etcetera, etcetera. It was time for food.

Round Two began shortly afterwards. This time, I was embracing, and getting a good look at, and photographing my college friends. I hated to make Matthew feel uncomfortable… but I hadn’t seen some of these people since I graduated, which was over two years ago. There’s just something about being in the midst of intelligent, fun-loving, driven, well-rounded, jovial, smiling black folk… particularly when, the moment you see each other, you’re transported back to your college years. No, we weren’t standing between the pizzeria and fried chicken booths; we were on the yard, at noon on a Friday… A First Friday, no less, which meant we had plenty of time to kick it. And, though our memory session lasted for only twenty minutes, it provided a glimpse, a taste, into everything I had loved about my college years. Man, I miss my alma mater.

Fast forward to that evening where even more fellow alumni surprised me. One guy, whom I considered a mentor and big brother as a freshman, was at the club videotaping the crowd. He was working. He was one third of an entrepreneurial production company called Hear My Vision which he and his colleagues had established in college. I was shocked to see him. His locks were longer, but his smile hadn’t changed. After doing a double-take, I staggered towards him, half-drunk and half-amazed, for a warm hug. He was engaged! The wedding was in September! His fiancée, his long-term girlfriend from school, was someone I had known from my dance ensemble at school. I couldn’t have been happier for them. They had survived undergrad in a place where some the most intelligent and most attractive black people resided. Congratulations were definitely in order. We exchanged numbers, promising to keep in touch, and parted ways. Had I really just seen him?! Was I in the Twilight Zone? Could I press “pause” and just stay here for awhile? Could we all just move here and re-live college happily ever after? PLEASE?

Saturday was a blur:
Woke up.
Cooked and prepared for the Bar-B-Que.
Showered.
“Ashlyn” made some magic punch with Everclear, pink lemonade and Raspberry Gingerale.
Guests arrived.
I started drinking.
I can’t remember the rest.

Sunday, although I was hung-over, was amazing…

A Prayer for Peace

[18] I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

[26] In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. [27] And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. [28]And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. [29] For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. [30] And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

Romans 8: 18, 26-30

A friend of mine passed away last night. His war with cancer ended in the wee morning hours, and I was notified via text of the outcome. My friend had moved to a new, permanent address… and I wouldn’t be able to see him for awhile. It was sobering news, but not a newsflash. We had all known things weren’t looking good. A group of college peers and I fasted all day yesterday, praying and meditating for his recovery. It would seem as though our prayers were not answered, however, because my friend is no longer with us. It would seem as though God heard our prayers, but for whatever reason, declined to heed them. But the Lord works in mysterious ways…

Sometimes I wonder whether or not our prayers to preserve other’s lives are made in vain. Are our prayers made in vain, not in the sense that God neglects to hear them… but vain in the true sense of vanity? Are we praying to God because we want Him to reward our loved one with a few more years, months, or hours of life? Or, are we praying because we want to keep this person around for our own sense of comfort, reassurance and self-worth?

I have never experienced a terminal illness, and would not wish such a prognosis on my worst enemy. To endure and survive something so grave attests to the strength of the human spirit. But the road cannot be easy. The physical pain alone must be catastrophic. Coupled with fatigue, mental and spiritual exhaustion, and a plethora of other damning circumstances, I imagine life morphs into a constant uphill battle with little (if any) relief. I wonder if the alternative ever becomes appealing to those enduring this indescribable pain. Instead of waking up each morning, and waging a war with death, is it conceivable that God’s Eternal Kingdom might be preferable? And if so, who are we to debate such reasoning? WE are not the ones suffering. WE are not the ones in pain. It’s touchy, I know…

My paternal grandmother has been in and out of the hospital as well, recently. She has lived a full life. She raised seven children by herself; in the ghetto of a small, rural town.
My father grew up in a single-parent home with three brothers and three sisters. They slept head-to-foot in shared beds. They picked cotton in the summers. They got by on mayonnaise sandwiches. To live in the ghetto of a mildly populated rural town screams poverty…and yet my grandmother keeps on kicking.

She endured the passing of her husband when my father was four. After I was born, she witnessed the passing of her youngest son – my father’s brother and closest sibling. She watched her oldest son stray from the family. She watched her grandchildren grow up. She’s watching her great-grandchildren mature. She has lived a full life.

And, she must be tired. She battles diabetes daily. She lives alone, two hours away from her closest relatives. Is God preparing us for the day when she will no longer be with us? Her health is failing, and yet she continues to fight. She has been fighting her whole life! Is there no rest for the weary? I love my grandmother dearly and for my father’s sake, I am deeply grateful that she is still with us. But, is it not vain to pray for her life, if by doing so we are merely benefitting ourselves? Instead of praying for life, perhaps we should pray for peace, and the doing of God’s will.

In both instances, I’m witnessing friends, family and loved ones fall apart over the death and illness of my friend and grandmother, respectively. People are falling apart. Heartbreaking news warrants reclusiveness, meditation, prayer, and tears. We are given an opportunity to evaluate our own lives and celebrate the significance of new, brighter days. Perhaps I’m jaded… because I know that if either of my parents or siblings were to pass, “falling apart” would be an understatement. I would be a wreck. I would be spiritually, mentally an emotionally drained, in search of unattainable answers. So, I do get it. I do understand. But, in the former instances, however, I think sound perspective is imperative. I have and will continue to pray for peace. I pray that my friend has found it with God, and I pray that my grandmother will find it, wherever it may be…

Get Right 2008

"I'm about to sign you up...
And we can get right before the night is up!
We can get riiight; Riiiight...
We can get right!"

- Jennifer Lopez

Summertime is upon us. The 4th of July is the landmark holiday that ushers in summertime BBQs, pool parties, "summer Fridays", four-day weekends and enough alcohol to last a lifetime. The summer before my senior year in college was blissful. I had accomplished everything on my college agenda but obtain a degree. Join a dance group? Check. Honors Fraternity? Check. BGLO Sorority? Check. Meet a boy? Check! To top it off, I was en route to Cannes, France for a summer study abroad program. I was on track to graduate with honors, and ahead of schedule, no less. I was on top of the world.

However, one of my best friends (I have four, and they're known as "the bridesmaids") was not. I'll call her "Anisa". She was dealing with a really emotional break-up, and a roller coaster of a college experience. Her school, though phenomenal in reputation, was a secluded liberal arts school in the northeast. Contrary to her outgoing, fun-loving, exciting personality; her school was pretty quiet, cold, and intense with intellectual stimulation dripping from every campus corner. She loved it there, but this sentiment was an acquired taste... and her taste buds had almost gone numb.

One afternoon, while basking in the sun at a friend's pool, we dove into the sensitive topic of her break-up. We waded through the ups and downs of her on-again-off-again relationship. We splashed through ideas for improving her college experience... and then the tide turned. We plunged into stories about my school year and I couldn't help but celebrate the wonderful (through trying) time I'd had. Yes, I had pledged my life away, but I'd made some of my best friends in the process(es). I showered her with stories of sleepless nights, twenty-page "assignments", house parties, "searching" for answers, finally finding them (praise God), probate shows, and ending the year with a little fling...

"Goal," she had said to herself. Anisa had made a mental pledge to have the best summer possible. She was going to embrace all of the difficulties she currently faced, and transform them into an amazing, fulfilling, party-filled vacation.

From there, "Get Right" was born. The song by Jennifer Lopez was the most popular tune out that summer, and it was the perfect anthem for young women everywhere. The song applied to every facet of life, and could be enjoyed in the midst of any activity. Running on the treadmill? "Get Right" was motivation to run for ten more minutes and attain some tight abs and Amerie legs (a la "One Thing" music video). Chillin by the pool? "Get Right" complimented your sexy bikini and enhanced your swag. At the club? "Get Right" stayed in rotation. Once you heard those infamous horns, all you needed was for your homegirl to hold your bag. Dude behind you didn't know he was about to "Get Right" too...

Get Right was, and is (much like the Single Aesthetic), about living your best life now. It's about going to the gym religiously and building a better body. It's about traveling to vast corners of the country to see friends, loved ones, and foundational members of your emotional support system. It's about drinking enough alcohol to drown a small child (cause it be's like that sometimes). It's about dancing on tabletops and hanging onto your BFFs for dear life. It's about gambling at Canadian casinos; tanning until you don't recognize yourself; praying and meditating; reading new books and discovering new things; visiting any and every happy hour within a 10 mile radius; and maxing out your credit card on expensive trips and unnecessary clothes if it means you'll cry fewer tears that night. Never mind the debt you'll incur or the hangover you'll endure. You're young, and can pay Citibank back later. Plus, your internship coordinator and/or part-time job supervisor won't likely notice that you're ten minutes late and consuming coffee like it's water. Whether you're on top of the world or under the bridge, Get Right is about getting back on track...with urgency... in the company of loving friends.

I still remember the weeks leading up to my trip to France. We partied hard in the Bull City. We tanned, we talked, and we PARTIED. Since then, every summer has been about Getting Right. We get back in the gym, back on the scene, and travel all over the country. There have been some summers where I have leaned more heavily on the Get Right mantra than Anisa, and vice versa. The summer after I graduated, I was in dire need of Getting Right. The "fling" had embedded himself into my senior year. On graduation eve, mere hours before placing the cap and gown on my head and shoulders, the boy had quietly ruined my life...

And without missing a beat, Anisa was there by my side. She helped me pull pieces of my fragmented self back together. She listened. She consoled. She ran with me... took shots with me... and got me to Miami where we had an unforgettable time!! Just typing this gets me all nostalgic. Over the course of the summer, I regained composure, learned some valuable life lessons, made a number of mistakes, and smiled as often as possible. It's amazing how much you can enjoy life after someone does something super-shitty to you. But I digress. She's really an amazing girl, and I'm blessed to have her in my life.

This summer... I think we're both chillin. She has a somewhat serious boy in her life. I'm entertaining "Mr. Right Now" as he makes himself available. But, as I pack my bag for Chicago and The Taste, I can't help but smile. I have just returned from the gym... and I'm feeling good. It's summertime! TIME TO GET RIGHT!