Just Not That Into You

::Sighs::

I have an inauguration update - but something is heavy on my heart, and I just need to get it off my chest before I can fully celebrate the weekend that was "Inauguration 2009".

He's just not that into me. It's kind of funny, because that line has been circulating since SATC became a hit. It's a line that females the world over fight, debate, and analyze... and remains true no matter what way you look at it.

I arrived in DC with three "potentials" in the city. One was a homeboy from Bull City, who happened to live in DC for now. I was not (and never have been) pressed about this young man... and his psychic abilities cease to amaze me because, literally, within hours of arriving in DC, he was already texting me. It's like he could smell me from across the District. His carnal sixth sense had kicked in, and he was already on the prowl. I never have been interested in pressed dudes. I was already annoyed.

Another young man, who is a legitimate friend of mine, was here from NY for the weekend. It's always fun to see him because, aside from casual, inappropriate jokes about previous trysts, he's actually a really cool guy. As soon as I saw him (alongside all of my best guy friends from college) I was reminded of how handsome he was. And as soon as everyone started "going in" on each other, I was reminded of why you don't play with "friends" of friends - your business will never be your own again. Multiple comments/compliments about my ass were made. I'll leave it at that.

The third young man - the boy - however, was no where to be found. His phone was broken, so he could only reach me by using a friend's phone. Okay. I saw him once, in passing, at a pre-game/get together, and I haven't heard from him since. Wait. That's not true. He texted me on Monday night, just hours before inauguration and my departure, to tell me his phone was working again. How convenient.

What really upsets me is that this seems to be a fundamental difference between men and women - or maybe it's just a difference between him and me. I told him, prior to this entire trip, that I was interested in seeing him. Aside from New Years Eve, and my occasional visit to his hometown, we rarely - if ever - see one another. And, granted, this would be a hectic weekend, but I'd still like to squeeze in some time. The fact that his phone was malfunctioning, in my opinion, is more of an excuse than a reason. Because, had I been in his shoes, I still would have made seeing one another a priority. I was disappointed.

I'm concluding that he's "just not that into me." It doesn't matter how often we talk on the phone. It doesn't matter how often we see each other. HE is completely fulfilled by the status of our relationship as it stands at this very present moment. It is I, and only I, who wistfully prays and hopes that our friendship will someday evolve into something more. He cannot help that... but I can. And so, I need to handle this, internally, and move forward.

I don't even think that the "not seeing each other" thing was intentional. He was probably just busy partying with his friends, and grinding on girls at late-night house parties that lasted until the wee hours of the morning. My disappointment, however, has manifested itself into some serious, deep thought. He's chillin'. He's been chillin' for awhile now, and it's not his fault because he has told me as much on more than one occasion. He has told me as much for three years, to be exact. Why can't I get that through my thick skull?

Because he calls me every night. Because he sends me Christmas cards. Because when he does something to upset me, he instantly apologizes, and repeatedly checks in to verify that I'm no longer pissed. Because we've been going back and forth for years now - and he still keeps up with me. Because he won't tell me he loves me... but he'll show me that he does. Because.

What's funny is that, he ignored/avoided/neglected to see me this weekend the same way I did Dude #1. I was not interested! And, though I may have returned his stalker-esque texts, and played cordial in communicating with him, I had absolutely NO intention of seeing him... at ALL. And thus, the same was done to me. LOL. I have to laugh, or else I'll cry.

I'm enacting another one of my New Years Resolutions before the week's end. I'm about to start dating - for real this time.

Expect a blog about it... soon.

Beginning to Win

I’m quitting this diet one day early. I’ve already reached my target weight, my skin is clearer, and I’m cranky this morning – so there you go.

I cheated twice in Phase #2 and I have two pimples to show for it. Nice. The first cheat was with Ruby. I had taken her to an NBA game, and dinner afterwards. She ordered this Burbon Shrimp appetizer that was drenched in cream sauce, and served with warm, lightly buttered bread. It was torture. I simply tasted three of those little shrimp and went on to order the veggie platter for my entrée: sautéed spinach, broiled button mushrooms and steamed broccoli. Sounds appetizing, right? I didn’t try any of the light, warm, fluffy bread, nor did I indulge in the “delicious” (as Ruby described it) sauce. I just tasted the shrimp. Well, the next morning I woke up with two bright red dots on my face – one for each cheek. Because of the CREAM SAUCE. What had I been thinking? Clearly, I hadn’t… at all.

I cheated again last night for my little brother’s b-day. He was in town with his girlfriend (they made up!) for wine tasting, shopping, fine dining, and hookah. I met them after work at Ibiza, a little spot he and I had been to just last year for my own birthday festivities. I ordered the Vegetable Paella, skipped over all alcoholic beverages, and bypassed offerings of the unlimited tapas his friends had ordered. I was pretty strong, all things considered. But the Paella did have rice in it and, technically, rice is not a raw or steamed vegetable.

I don’t have any new pimples this morning, however, so I guess my body forgave me the rice ((and the hookah) Whoops!). And, my jeans are loving me for shedding a few pounds… you know they’re not supposed to crease right under your booty, right? And, when you take them off at night, your gut shouldn’t be embedded with the stitch work of those Citizens… I’m just saying.

I've heard "quitters never win, and winners never quit," but I think I'm winning on this one.

I started back at the gym Monday with a "5K Prep" mindframe: yoga class, extensive reps on the quad and calf machines, and an hour on the treadmill – jogging to the incredulous new episode of Gossip Girl. This show is like, one of the best things that ever happened to television. I didn’t think the writers had it in them to maintain such high-octane, complicated, interweaving storylines for an extensive period of time, but I was wrong. A family of best friends… and couples… inherits (and loses) a child/sibling in one episode… or do they?; A reckless billionaire boy inherits, and then loses, his father’s gargantuan company; Break-ups and make-ups get juicier as the season progresses… and the venomous mean girls relentlessly seek to torture any and everybody. It’s like chocolate; Devilishly delish!!

Next week will be the tough one. Though I will have integrated most of my regular eating habits back into my diet… I have to take into consideration that I’ll be in DC for the inauguration, and amongst college friends who are more amped than I’ve ever seen them. With that in mind, I researched the types of alcohol that I could consume that have the fewest calories. (I prefer not to think of myself as O.C.D., but as very thorough… and a little feisty). That said, I’ll be sipping White Zin and Skyy or Grey Goose Vodka Tonics with extra lemon. 80 and 60 calorie drinks respectively. Nice.

I will also have to integrate exercise into the weekend somehow. That will also be tough in the midst of all the Inaugural parties and socializing that must take place in such a condensed period of time. But man, I can’t WAIT to see my college buddies. It’s like a Homecoming Remix or something. We get to travel back to our alma mater, party all weekend, and celebrate the Inauguration of the first authentically "African-American" president?! How lucky are we. Yet another reason my University kicks ass. And regardless of my eating or drinking habits, the entire weekend is going to kick ass, and I'm fortunate to even be a part of it.

I'm winning here, too.

Speaking of kicking ass, I’ve been doing so at my job lately. Now that I’m finally catching up and creating a groove, I’m knocking projects down left and right… and at 10 am, no less. You could call me a Powerpuff Girl if you wanted to. Let’s go with “Buttercup”.

... it feels nice.

Detox Diaries #5 - #7

Well hello there.

Day #5 (Monday) - Got to work feeling proud; four days down and three more to go. After consulting with fasting/detox gurus in the office, however, I realized my little "plan" had some severe shortcomings. For starters, I should NOT have been adding milk or any dairy products to my fresh fruit smoothies. Whoops. Second, it would be okay to add light cardio or yoga to Phase #1, but after further deliberation Cece immediately vetoed that idea... being that I'm losing all this iron and all. Point taken. Finally, I probably should have been incorporating some sort of supplement into my diet as well. Well damn, I can't win for losing. All-in-all, though, Day #5 was good. I even discovered a cute little juice place called Arden's Garden (per a co-worker's recommendation). I plan to frequent this place even after the detox is over.

Day #6 (Tuesday) - This one was tricky. We had a new hire in my department, and as is customary with anything remotely exciting that happens in this department - we had to celebrate. So my boss was treating us all to lunch, which meant I had to find a place that served herbal tea and decent soup - and fast! We landed at a tasty restaurant called Noodle. While everyone around me was devouring stir fry, thai noodles with peanut sauce, gigantic salads and fresh spring roles, I was left with my peach ginger tea and miso soup. I wasn't complaining, though! I'd come this far... and I only had one more day to go.

Day #7 (Wednesday) - This was a hard one. I woke up dreadfully tired, partially because I'd been up late the night before. The New Year had inspired me to be more ambitious with Ruby, and I was in the midst of planning our year together. I had so many things I wanted to show her, teach her, expose her to... Guess I just got caught up in the euphoria of changing a person's life and subsequently lost track of the time. Ah well. I got to work and was slammed from 9am to 6pm. I left feeling just as tired as when I'd set foot on the campus. I've heard that detoxing can be draining, and I'm glad it didn't kick in for me until the last day.

Now I have graduated into Phase #2. This is the "Fruits and Veggies Only" phase. While I plan to still abstain from milk and diary products this week, I'm thinking I might want to incorporate more protein... Sooo I'm allowing beans into the diet (which is great because black beans are one of the best things that ever happened to the human race). This Sunday I'm taking Ruby to a pro basketball game and dinner at Vickery's (also an amazing restaurant). While I've looked at the menu, and determined there are things I'll be able to eat (salads, side veggie items, etc.), I'm not sure I'll be able to completely stick to the "raw or steamed" only portion of the guidelines. They have this sauteed spinach that looks incredible, so I might just have to cheat... just this one time. Don't hate me!

Finally, with next week comes an historic Inauguration... that I will be attending. Three days in DC, however, means three days of eating out. Granted, I'll be able to consume fish and will still be able to maintain a healthy diet, I'm beginning to think some serious changes will need to be made to Phase #3. So, instead of "Fruit, Veggies & Fish Only" I'm going to allow beans, eggs, whole wheat grains aaaaand I think that's it.

Pah! The beauty of creating your own diet!

In other news, my beer belly is 90% GONE. I'm so proud of myself. :-)

Detox Diaries #4

I think I'm going to shoot somebody.

My roommate just walked into our apartment with a ufcking DAVID YURMAN bracelet on. Huh? What? First of all, it was only after I mentioned how desperately I wanted one that it occur ed to you, "hm, that's a good idea!" She stays jockin' my style. That's another reason I need to move out... she'll have me being reckless with my money... and '09 has no space for that. I know she can't afford that bracelet...I KNOW she can't. Whhhhhy does everybody else have all the things they want, and I'm over here scraping pennies?! Grr. (I also peeped a bunch of organic groceries in the fridge that aren't mine... daaaamn... biting me again! That's two-for-two! Guess she's trying to get in shape for the New Year. Can't fault her for that...)

Maybe the boy will buy me a David Yurman bracelet. HA! I laugh out loud to that.

The remainder of day #3 wasn't bad. I think sleeping all morning dramatically helps and reduces my hunger levels. But dinnertime is turning out to be the devil. Last night, I literally prepared an entire meal in my head. That's how hungry I was. Burrito Bowls: Tortilla bowl, shredded lettuce, corn with cilantro, rice, black beans, orange-marinated chicken, fresh guacamole, sour cream, and tons of shredded cheese. Oooh, I can taste it now. Instead, though, I had a laxative tea and called it a night.

Day #4 began at 5:30 am when the laxative tea and my pre-menstrual cramps kicked in. Terrible combination. Especially since not eating anything means I can't take any ibuprofen to relieve the pain. So I slept with my heating pad. I'm waking up now to drink some nasty salt water... which supposedly expedites the colon cleansing. It's gross, and I can't seem to finish it. I need to wash my hair today, too. But I have no energy.

Though I'm tired and occasionally dizzy, I would say the worst side effect of this diet is the crankiness. Or maybe that's just PMS. No way to tell.

Three more days to go...

Detox Diaries #1 - #3

In the spirit of "Playing It By Ear" I've had to make a few amendments to this whole Ultra Mega Super-Duper Detox thing I have going on. Day #1 wasn't terrible. [SPOILER ALERT - the boy stayed with me] Being with him, and waking up in his arms, and lounging the entire day away with him really distracted me from my hunger. When I finally got up to make him dinner, I wasn't that hungry. But, for the sake of simply consuming something, I made myself a fruit-only smoothie, and it was the grossest thing I've ever tasted. He asked a few times to try it, and I denied him. "It's nasty," I said, smiling. Finally, he took a sip, grimaced and shook his head. "There are other ways," he chided. "Man, the shit girls do... I don't understand it." He's like a cute little puppy sometimes... and I don't even like dogs.

Day #2 however, was a test. I woke up feeling weak, which is never a good sign. So I amended my smoothie recipes to include skim milk, fat-free yogurt and protein mix. I need some substance in my life. I tried the Master Cleanse mix, with a bit too much Cayenne Pepper... so I'll have to do better with that today. I ran my typical errands, continuing with the apartment search, and came home - tired - to watch a movie. I swear every scene of Full Frontal is held over a meal or an alcoholic beverage. I could barely hear some scenes because my stomach was moaning so loudly. LOL. But it's whatever.

Today, I'm waking up (at 1:30 pm) feeling fine and dandy. Yesterday, Cece and I agreed to run a 5K in March, which is perfect. That means, as soon as I'm done with the detox, I can hit the gym hard for a good six weeks to prepare. What's better is that my birthday falls just a few days after the run - which means I'll be looking fierce when I celebrate 25!! Woo-hoo! Aaand, I will have just moved into my new apartment (wherever that may be) which is putting me in better spirits already. Man, Q1 of '09 is looking damn good... and it's only Day #3.

Play It By Ear

It's crazy how quickly things can change in this life. I'm finding that the best way to get through some of life's challenges is to change with the changes.

On Monday, I received a package from the boy. A Christmas present with a card. Now, they were both thoughtful and sweet, but the card is what really stood out. The cover was silly - a man xeroxing his ass on the company copier - but the words seemed to require some reading between the lines. He said that he'd enjoyed getting to know me again... and that I should be more willing to take chances. Hmm.

Two days later, he was in my city for New Years Eve. I know, right?! With all the craziness and the "I'm Over It" post... he made his way to see me. Well, he made his way here to party with his friends.... but a little piece of me knows that he wanted to sneak in some quality time on the side. I'm happy about that. To be honest, he had mentioned coming to town awhile ago, but I paid him no mind. He's done that before, remember? Fool me once...

Wednesday afternoon, he texts me asking about hotels downtown. I'm busy searching for new apartments (our lease is up in February!!) but I text a few suggestions back. By 8:00 pm, after a few margaritas with Anisa and friends, I call asking if he's here. To my amazement, he is. He asks where we're going tonight, and I absentmindedly tell him, knowing that he probably won't show up.

After an hour of primping (nice long shower, plucking my eyebrows, self-served lipwax, painting my toenails, and finally settling on the perfect dress (one that's been sitting in my closet with the tag on it for about three years)) I prepare myself a Red Bull & Vodka, and make my way intown. I pick up Anisa and "Lucy" (one of Anisa's closest friends) and we head to the club. As soon as we reach the bar, I look to my right and see him. Has he gotten taller?! Man he looks good. And I'm too sober for this. I pretend not to see him, expedite our drink order, and usher Anisa and Lucy upstairs. I will catch up with him later.

Later, he and his friends come up to the second floor, and all the introductions are made. His boys meet my girls, and we cozy up to one another. It's so nice to see him. I'm so glad that he's finally in my city! "You said that you were over me awhile ago, but I don't think you are... because you still catch a little attitude every now and then," he says referencing our two-day speaking hiatus over the David Yurman comment. What?! LOL. It's so true, and I can't even deny it, so I just smile. He knows he's right... and we end up playing a game of cat-and-mouse for the rest of the night (mostly consisting of me relocating to another part of the club, innocently talking to some other guy, and he coming up behind me and humping my back to claim me). It almost felt like an updated version of that college jealously I've mentioned before. And the thing is, after further conversation, I come to find out he doesn't even realize what he said that made me so upset in the first place (isn't that always the case?). So, I'm letting that one go... for now. Some things never change.

Well, by the end of the night, some decisions need to be made... like where is he sleeping tonight: The Westin or at my humble abode? I'll leave it to the readers to guess what happened...

Life Without a Lovelife

About six months ago when I first started this here little blog, I mentioned having “all the answers”. Well, lately, I seem to have more questions than answers… but I still feel as though I can help my homegirls out.

I have these two friends. Cece lives here, with me, and we work for the same company. She’s in grad school, getting her MBA, with little (if any) real time to spare. Denise lives in NY, works too much, but is one of the most loveable people I’ve ever met. They are both sincerely interested in dating, and finding the right guy… however their demanding schedules simply don’t permit enough time to do so.

Now, I wouldn’t dare suggest online dating (not hating, just saying…) but I would suggest adopting a new mindset. Why is it that young black females can succeed in everything but love? It’s because we forcibly apply ourselves to our careers and degrees, and allow everything else to fall as it may. We maintain our friendships and family ties as best we can, knowing that the true essence of these relationships is founded upon our like-minded approach to succeeding in life. It’s okay if we don’t hear from each other for stretches of time. Staying on our grind can sometimes lead to alienation. We’re all hustling for the next big thing, be it a promotion, an “A” in a class, a huge presentation, or the last final before graduation. We’re all putting in work and paying dues. The inherent problem in “Career Success = Life Success” rationale, however, is that finding a life partner and sustaining a happy marriage is truly one of the most important successes any of us will ever achieve. With that said, we need to treat or love lives as such. We cannot expect to wake up one morning to the man of our dreams without putting in the work right now. We need to be more proactive about it.

So, in the same way we researched jobs, went on interviews, worked, got promoted and slowly fell in love with our work, we must search for love. We must place this “goal” near the top of our life to-do list. I’m not saying treat dates like interviews and treat marriage like a job… but I am saying to observe the parallels and appreciate the process. Make dating a priority. Make yourself available. Say “yes” in some instances when you might otherwise be inclined to say “no”. Give guys a chance. And, “forcibly apply yourself” to your love life with the same vigor you use in climbing the career ladder. Be aggressive, but not too aggressive. Act with urgency, but not haste. Find the fine line, and walk it.

We can’t expect miracles to happen overnight, but we can plan for the future, and build time into our days, weeks, months and upcoming years a plan that will land us the “love of our life”.

I plan to be more diligent about finding him this year. And even if 2009 isn’t my year for finding the One I’ll at least have found a few young men who are not.

Resolved!

Resolved! In 2009, I will:

Kick off the New Year with an Ultra Mega Super-Duper Detox
Details: Begin with a weeklong (or 10-day) “Modified Master Cleanse” which allows *fresh* fruit smoothies (no added sugar, dairy etc., FRUIT + ICE ONLY!), the Master Cleanse concoction (lemon juice, molasses and cayenne pepper), and herbal tea. Gently re-introduce solid foods in Week 2 with a “Fresh Fruits and Veggies” diet. Consume veggies raw or steamed, only. Also re-introduce cardiovascular workouts with light weights, light running/walking, and extensive yoga. Week 3 kicks off with a normal (but hopefully healthier) diet, and extensive work-outs (with a focus on toning). In Week 4 schedule a colonic to get rid of impurities the Detox couldn’t quite reach… and keep up the good work!

Travel to Las Vegas (and maybe even gamble)

Travel to Mexico (and tan!)

Invest

Date

Smile as often as possible