A Living Example

All this free time is making me a little too introspective.

You know how, when you have a girlfriend who's really going through something, you feel like you have ALL THE ANSWERS? And, in all reality, you probably do. You've been exactly where she's been... you've thought and felt all of her same thoughts and feelings. That sentiment is especially poignant, however, when this girlfriend happens to be one of the bridesmaids (the only one with whom you spent your entire childhood), who has been there with you for this entire roller coaster ride we call "life".

"Corinne" and I met when I was four and she was three. My brother and I were the newest kids in our neighborhood. My mom and her dad worked at the same local university. We attended the same pre-school. Though I was one year ahead of her, I saw much of myself in all of her actions. Throughout elementary, middle and high school, we were honors students. We were also prima ballerinas who studied french and were overprotected by our parents. We graduated among few minorities in the top 10% of our graduating classes. We were active in student council; we both served as prom committee chair; and while I ran for Student Body president and lost (BY 19 VOTES!!!), she managed to clinch that victory the following year.

We may have been square, do-gooder, "girl-next-door" types in high school... but in college we were a mess. The saga of on-again-off-again relationships with men led to our formal declaration of love for one another... via Facebook. Corinne became my online wife (until I ultimately deleted my account (Facebook is the devil, you know)). I also managed to introduce Corinne to every vice known to man. Per my negative influence, Corinne soon strayed from her pedestal and began drinking... (the horror!) which was soon followed by experimentation with - eh - botany. And later, she discovered crayons and began coloring.

Unfortunately, the consequences of grown up decisions are often a graduated level of anguish and pain. And, while summertime may be long gone, I reminded Corinne that "Get Right" knows no season! It's never too late to start living your best life now. But there's so much more. Recovering from heartbreak is much like any other obstacle we encounter in life. The same ambition we used to run for student office; the same discipline we used to perform en pointe; and the same tenacity we had to graduate with honors must be applied to our personal hurdles as well. Moving on - moving UP, rather - from a dead-end relationship is really about completely changing your mentality. It's about completely changing your perspective. I am a living example... and it really does work.

You dedicate so much of your time, thoughts and energy to a guy, only to receive little (if anything) in return. Once you redirect that energy, however, life seems to completely turn itself around. Maybe the object of your affection re-enters your life later on down the line (which feels really, really great btw)... or maybe he doesn't. But the progress you make with yourself - by working out, and praying, and laughing with friends, and discovering new wine, and climbing up the career ladder - is PRICELESS. You wake up feeling better, you walk into class (or work) smiling. And while the void still may exist, you're confident because you know that, when the time is right, someone better will come along and have you asking yourself "why was I ever upset to begin with?" That is, until you watch "The Break Up" on USA... and then you remember EXACTLY why you were upset. But I digress.

The Single Aesthetic here: knowing that when you're in a position to help someone along a path you've already traveled, it is imperative you do so! Lifelong friendships cannot sustain themselves on the fun times alone. When your BFF needs you for the hard stuff - that's what really counts. Be a living example. (And honestly, if you're the one who introduced the bridesmaid to matches, it's your duty to help put out the fire!!)




I will do so gladly. Corinne, these are for you!

Wife!
I am on your side
Both for better and for worse
You can count on me!


His Body
I'll take care of it
Duct tape and a body bag
That should do the trick


Dook
Who would pick navy?
Over Carolina Blue?
Don't make no damn sense!

Trouble Sleeping

It's late and I'm feeling so tired
Having trouble sleeping
This constant compromise
Between thinking and breathing

Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in?
Won't say that I'm falling in love
Tell me I don't seem myself
Couldn't I blame something else?
(No, don't say it)
Don't say I'm falling in love

Some kind of therapy
Is all I need (all I need)
Please believe me (please believe me)
Some instant remedy
That can cure me completely

Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in?
Won't say that I'm falling in love
Tell me I don't seem myself
Couldn't I blame something else?
(No, don't say it)
Don't say I'm falling in love

[Don't you say I'm falling

There's no way I'm falling]

'Cause I've been there before and it's not enough
So nobody say it
Don't even say it
I ve got my eyes shut
Won't look, oh
No, I'm not in love

Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in?
Won't say that I'm falling in love
Tell me I don't seem myself
Couldn't I blame something else?
(No, don't say it)
Don't say I'm falling in love

A Word of Thanks

Hi family -

I wanted to wait until the news was "official" and now it finally is. Within the next two weeks, I will begin a permanent, full-time position with my old team as a Marketing Coordinator. My responsibilities (as they stand now) will be to coordinate and market all of our content online. Also, a little bird recently revealed that I may be working again with a newly created business that the company launched not too long ago. As many of you may remember, this was the highlight of my experience last year, so I look forward to having that opportunity again.

I would really like to thank each of you for all of your kind words, thoughts and prayers over the past few weeks. It really meant a lot to me. I have to thank my brother and my friends in TN for providing an escape during my first week of en-employment. Mommy - thanks for every single phone call, text message and e-mail (even if I stopped responding after awhile). And of course, THANK YOU CeCe for ONCE AGAIN coming through in the clutch and making things happen for me ;-) (you know what I mean!!).

I love you guys! Enjoy work and school while I spend the rest of my week in bed and/or at the gym.



With Love,
ME

The Break Up

Have you ever been digging through your old things and stumbled upon traces of the person you used to be? It might be an old journal or day planner... maybe some old photos. It might be an old college notebook with notes or doodles revealing something or someone that was consuming all of your thoughts at that point in time...

I was in clean-up mode a few minutes ago, and had to sit down to let some things simmer for a little while. I was reading through an old college notebook, and was immediately transported back to senior year in college. In retrospect, in the midst of all the soirees and spirits, the year was pretty painful. Everything I managed to write down regarding the boy dealt with the issue of trust - and how our "relationship" lacked it completely. I was always suspicious of his behavior and whereabouts. I was constantly holding my anger in and letting it get the best of me. I was always confused, upset, anxious, indignant or irate. What a way to live, right? It was neurosis at its finest.

I remember hearing (or perhaps reading) that the best reason to keep a journal when you're in pain is this: to remember exactly how you were feeling, so that you will never enter a situation that might re-create those feelings again. Basically, record rock bottom so that you don't hit it twice. After reading all of those poems, sad love song lyrics, day planner notes, journal entries, and random livid notebook quotes, I began to feel like my 22-year-old self again. I mean, not only had our "ending" been bad, but everything leading up to that fateful end had been catastrophic. The recollection of "rock bottom" started to become real again. So much so that I considered just ignoring his inevitable phone call tonight even though we're currently in a comfortable place. Not good. Why would I ignore his call tonight, after we've already made up for what happened three years ago?? [Look, this is him texting me now.] Anyway, in that moment, about thirty minutes ago, I had to place everything back where it belonged, and returned to my evening movie.

Coincidentally, "The Break Up" was on USA tonight... That happened to be the first movie I saw after the boy and I ended our thing. What I love about this movie is how realistic it is... and how, after all the hurtful things Gary and Brooke did to one another, there was still a possibility that they could get back together. The whirlwind of attacks, tears and destruction that took place, however, was all too familiar. When the the two weren't trying to internally sort out their feelings towards the other person, they were busy ruining any possibility of reconciliation. It was funny on screen... less so in real life. I loved Jennifer Aniston so much that, years later, I began wearing a ring on my index finger as a semi-tribute to her. "The Break Up" was, in part, a true-life story for that woman. And look at how resilient she managed to be in the process. Coincidence indeed.

Everything is fine. Good, even. But sometimes you just have to take a deep breath, I guess. I mean, WOW. Every female that has fallen for a man can surely relate. It's like, you're all into him again, and then it clicks: "this is what he as done in the past; this is what he is capable of." I know that people grow up and mature and improve themselves. I completely appreciate that. But, it's a matter of keeping things in perspective. To appreciate "growth" we must measure from the point of origin, correct? And man, to look at him now, and read the way I felt about him then - you'd think I was referencing two completely different people. I don't know. I guess the Single Aesthetic here is learning how to appreciate and learn from the past without letting it interfere with the present. Re-living those old experiences is only good for two things: smiles and/or tears. The former is great. The latter is for the birds.

Lions, Tigers and Bears

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears [oh no]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair [that's right]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task?
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?

Sorry if I sound so filled with gloom
You say you care and I know you do
But this is from my experience
And my conclusion only makes sense

Just cause I love you and you love me
It doesn't mean that we're meant to be
I can climb mountains, swim cross the seas
But the most frightening thing is you & me!

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears [oh no]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair [that's right]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task?
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?

Most circumstances I know my fate
But in this love thing, I don't get the game
Why does it feel like those who give in
They only wind up losing a friend?

Just cause I love you and you love me
It doesn't mean that we'll ever be
Fly cross the ocean, sing for the Queen
But the most frightening thing is you & me!

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears [oh no]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair [that's right]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task?
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?

I'm not sure no, I'm not sure
But if we never try we'll never know
It's better to have loved than not to love at all
But not trying is worse than to stumble and fall
And if we do?I'd rather it be with you
Cause at least there will be
Sweet memories

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears [oh no]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair [that's right]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task?
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?

The Master Plan

He won.

I had driven (very carefully) to TN to see Dionne. Tuesday, I spent the entire day cleaning, decorating and preparing food for her election party while she worked the polls. I washed and pin curled my hair while I waited for guests (and Dionne) to arrive. Around 7:30 pm people begin to show up, and CNN is on full blast in the living room. As states are called, we keep track in our own makeshift election center. Blue stars for states that Obama won, red stars for McCain. At around 10:50 pm, Dionne walks in with champagne. At 10:59 CNN begins a countdown. One minute until the west coast polls close. What is happening? I have no idea.


11:00 pm. Anderson Cooper announces that all polls have closed except for Hawaii and Alaska. It doesn't matter, though. Barack Obama is the 44th President-elect of the United States of America. Pop! Pop!! Pop!!!



My president is black; My Lambo is blue; And I'll be G-damned if my rims ain't too...

We had to rock Jeezy. WE HAD TO. My phone is vibrating in my back pocket, but it's so loud that I can't hear my father on the other end of the line. I'll have to call him back. We're toasting to Obama. Praise God! He won!

That's right. Praise God. Everybody put down your glass. We have to pray. And, I'd like to believe that, at that moment, rooms full of intelligent, young, black, (drunk) professionals across the country and world stopped what they were doing for just a moment to pray for the first African-American president of the US of A.

The following day was a blur, full of smiles, excitement, prayers and emotions. I was feeling like... like... everything was going to be alright. Granted, I was in the midst of personal uncertainty, but that was irrelevant. A bi-racial (but socially, viewed as "black") man raised in Hawaii who represented the south side of Chicago had just been named leader of the free world. If he could climb his way up to the highest, and most revered job in the land, then surely I could manage this comparatively minimal challenge in my life.

I will find another job. And, I will work two jobs - gladly - to achieve my goals. Clearly Obama had to hustle in order to get here. Thus, I will continue to grind. It's what we do. I can't wait to see what God's Master Plan is for Barack Obama. The next four years will surely be exciting. I'm also anxious to see what God has in store for me... hopefully within the next few days.



It's Progress.

$600 Oil Change

On Monday, I woke up feeling okay. I had just returned from a fun-filled Halloween weekend. I had gone home, seen my parents and younger sister, and endured a twelve-hour road trip with two of my closest friends. There's no place like home, and it was refreshing to have gone back, even if only for three days.

I woke feeling okay even though, technically, I was unemployed. It was my first official day without a job. And while, usually, I would have felt discouraged and sub-par... I was fine. I took my car to the Honda dealership for a routine oil change and tire rotation. Got back on the road to apply for some part-time jobs when I heard a faint squeaking noise. "It will go away," I thought to myself. I drove to Ann Taylor, Banana Republic and a few local restaurants to submit resumes. Even once I got back on my feet with a full-time gig, I would need supplemental income to fund my Business School applications and miscellaneous fees. I was on my grind. But that damn squeaking noise was getting on my nerves.

So, I took Jada (my car) back to the dealership. One of the mechanics hopped in to drive around with me so I could point out the noise. Hm. "Well," he said, "if we find that the noise is related to the work we just did, we'll repair it for free. However, if it's not, we'll need to do a diagnostic test to figure out what the problem is. $95.00."

Great. I don't have that kind of money, but I also can't afford to drive a malfunctioning vehicle. "Alright," I said. "Let's see what the problem is."

He comes back and - long story short - my "routine oil change" has turned into a $600 Crank Pulley Replacement. He tells me to go home and "think about it" but not to drive the car.

I drive alright... to the gym. To clear my head. But, as I turn off the car, I hear the lingering cricket-like sound of little Jada in pain. I re-start the engine and drive to the nearest Midas. I want a second opinion.

"Yup," the second mechanic confirms, "you need to get that replaced." Tears begin to well up. Why is this happening to me. I just lost my job. I'm under enough pressure as it is, and the one measly part I need to fix my car is $400 and can only be purchased through the dealership. Add labor and taxes to the bill, and you have yourself my rent and utilities for the month of December. What to do.

I return to Honda, and I can't even fight it. I'm boo-hoo crying in front of the kind old man who has greeted me three times in one single day. After an hour in the waiting room, someone comes in to confirm what I already know - I need a new, outrageously expensive part for my car. They will have to order it, and it will be in tomorrow. "Don't drive the car," are the mechanic's parting words. I drive home, deep in thought, pondering just how desperately I really need these repairs. If I weren't so damn AWARE all the time, I would have left the dealership and been on my merry way. And... how come I only heard the noise AFTER I brought the car in for another reason? I'm not necessarily a conspiracy theorist, but I do find it highly problematic that this "thing" that "has" to be done for my vehicle went undetected until I brought the vehicle back for closer inspection and can only be done at Honda, using expensive parts.

I thought about waiting until Tuesday to get the repairs done... and decided against it. "It still drives," I thought to myself. And with that, I packed my suitcase and headed far, far away from my apartment. I needed a vacation - a real one. I was going to see Dionne, and perhaps the boy. God willing, Jada would be able to get me there.

What do you know? She did. And, I'm starting to feel okay again.