Worshipping & Wandering

So much has been happening lately. Between reading “The Shack,” attending church, and just plain living, I’ve been reaching all kinds of new conclusions about life. At Elizabeth Baptist last Wednesday, I went to church expecting a few songs, a scripture, a sermon, and a steering moment from God to help me get through the week. What I got was so different, so unconventional – and yet it was exactly what I needed. Of course, I was late. Work has been kicking my ass lately, what with my paralyzing inability to concentrate coupled with a burdening stress called “Microeconomics 2021.” So, I hurried in as the choir finished the last two songs, somewhat disappointed that I’d missed the bulk of the praise session (gospel music always moves my heart to a better place). In typical fashion, I was seated with my legs crossed and arms folded. I was “closed off” as most body language interpreters would say. I always sit like this in new settings – regardless of whether or not I’m actually comfortable. I could have just met you. You could be my best friend. I’m likely to have my legs crossed and arms folded when I’m settling in to a new situation. It is what it is.

I forget what the choir was singing, but I knew I needed to open myself up. If I was going to fully receive God’s word, I needed to stop being so closed off – at least while I was in the sanctuary. I uncrossed my legs, and politely curled my left foot under my right ankle. That’s better. I uncrossed my arms, and sat just holding my hands. Okay. I’m opening. I’m openninnggggg.

Pastor Oliver then took the stage, Bible in hand. He propped his elbow on the podium and began talking to the congregation about a recent sermon he did. Totally natural. Totally impromptu. I figured this was an introduction to tonight’s sermon. Unfortunately, I only attend the Wednesday night services, so I didn’t really have a frame of reference for his comments… but I sat, with my own Bible, waiting for the cue to turn to chapter such-and-such.

He began talking and what I presumed to be his biblical anecdote took on a life of its own. I don’t recall which book or chapter he pulled from, but he got to a part where he began to discuss Mary Magdalene and her relationship with Jesus. He said (and I’m blatantly paraphrasing) “…she took her hair down. You know, critics have all kinds of things to say about Mary; people tend to hate on her. But her focus was on Jesus, and she took her hair down to worship him. You know – to ‘take you hair down’ really means ‘to relax’. And that’s what some of us need to do. We need to chill out. We get so caught up in our own lives, and the bills that are due, and our mortgage, and what other people think of us, that we forget to put God first. If Mary had worried as much about her critics as we do about ours, do you think she would have gotten her blessing? The Bible says she took her hair down and got on her knees to worship Him. She kneeled so far down that her hair covered his feet. His dirty, crusty, smelly feet. And when she was done, she got up, and you know – her hair probably smelled like Jesus’ feet. Do you know what that means? She had to go though something a little uncomfortable… a little dirty… a little gross… to worship Him. And when she got up, she was able to take his Essence… his smell… an element of HIM with her. How many of us are willing to be UNCOMFORTABLE for God? How many of us will kneel down, while everyone else is looking at us, and talking about us, and plotting against us, to worship him? I wish some of you would just let your hair down and give God His glory. Don’t worry about who’s looking at you. It might be a little uncomfortable. You might not like everything that you have to go though. But hasn’t God been good to you? Even when you were tired. Even when you were low. Even when you were sick. Eeeven when you friends deserted you. Eeeven when the bills were do. Even when your mother died. Even when your father died. Even when you got laid off. There are some people in here who can’t let go of their own problems long enough to bless He who is able to do all things! I wish someone in here would just let their hair down…”

It stirred me to the point of tears. It caught me off guard. Where was the scripture? Where was the text? Where was the structure? And yet, it was so fitting – “let your hair down”. We don’t need a text. We don’t need structure. We need to “chill out.” I NEED TO RELAX. I need to let things go. I need to Let. Things. Go. I cannot control what is happening with my mom or grandmother. I cannot control how my relationship ended with that boy. But I can let go of my worrying and stress. I can go into the house of the Lord and lay my burdens down. I can rest easy knowing that She is taking care of it.

The session lasted for a good 45 minutes. He was just talking to us – the congregation; his people. Everyone was standing and agreeing and worshipping. It was beautiful. And, it got me to thinking (tangentially) about all of the biblical “rights” and “wrongs” that many pastors preach about on any given Sunday. The church can be a discouraging and condescending place sometimes. But, at Impact and EBC, I worship with pastors with whom I can truly relate. In my own mind, I think that Jesus just wants us to be good people. By worshipping Him, we’re honoring our own efforts to live by His will. Our goal as Christians is not necessarily to emulate Jesus to a “T” but to learn from his ways and teachings and live our lives in ways that honor Him. I don’t think the “sins” such as fornication, or drunkenness or what have you are really all that terrible. I think the missed lesson is that if we indulge in those things, we’re not really bettering our lives. Fornication between two individuals may not ever hurt a soul – but how often does it contribute something positive to a person’s life? Yes, it feels good… but how does it contribute to our overall well-being? Do we feel more whole? Do we feel closer to God? In hindsight, many of my encounters have made me feel more empty (after the fact). I can’t think of a single case where I’ve done it out of pure love. And the energy invested into those people, and those encounters, is now lost forever. I think that’s the lesson behind abstinence – from a purely unbiased, non-political perspective. It’s not to say “if you have premarital sex, you’re going to hell”. But it is to say “adding sex to your life will complicate things more than necessary, and distract you from other blessings that may be in store.” I dunno. I just don’t believe that God is so mean that She’d cast me away for some silly things I did in my early twenties. I think most lessons from Jesus were simply for our own good as we try to navigate these troubled waters called life. Humans add problems, complications and rules to what God likely intended to be a simple, humble and fulfilling life. The same thing goes for alcohol. I know I blog about beer and vodka excessively. And, my alcohol consumption doesn’t really affect anyone but me. But what positive things do those Vodka Tonics really contribute to my life? If anything, they added to those “silly decisions” in my early twenties, and left me with more early-morning headaches than I would have had otherwise. I’m not going to stop drinking. But, I’m just saying…

I’m going to let my hair down (which has grown a lot since March 6, btw)! I’m going to do so more often, too. I’ve been making a bigger effort in my relationship with Her lately. I’m going to keep building. I’m going to keep trying. There’s victory on the other side, you know. There’s a blessing in all of this. I’ve just got to keep going…

God's Magic. Mommy's Touch.

I thought I was slipping into a mild depression at one point. Now, I don’t think that’s what the issue was. I may have been overwhelmed by all of the things happening in my life simultaneously, but I think the worst of it has passed. My family has gotten a lot closer over the past few months, which is an incredible blessing. It’s sad that someone’s health has to fail them before we realize how important they are to us. I talk to my mom every day now. I talk to my dad every other day. I pray more often. I’ve seen aunts, uncles and cousins more in the past few months than I have in recent years combined. And our exchanges are pleasant. No one begrudgingly hugs another and silently questions where they have been since 2007. We’re genuinely happy to see one another. I’m learning so much about my dad’s side of the family that it makes my head spin. There are so many dark secrets, and skeletons buried deep within our ancestral closet. And yet, with every new discovery, I feel closer to the cousins and extended family members I’ve grown to love over the past 25 years.

My cousin and I went to visit my brother this weekend to christen his new apartment, and celebrate the new chapter in his life: becoming a grown up. His job is treating him well, his new home is lovely, and girlfriend is playing “wife” with more ease every time I see her. Friday night when we arrived, the three of us sat on his patio sipping beer and discussing the estrangement of our oldest uncle (my dad’s brother) from the rest of the family. We hypothesized the many reasons he could have cut off an entire network of his life – sisters, brothers, and an ailing mother. It could have been my grandfather’s death. It could have been the new man that entered Grandma’s life once my grandfather passed. It could have been the pressure of being the oldest. Perhaps there were life challenges that he met in the Navy that changed his perspective about the value of family. We’ll never really know.

On the car ride home my cousin and I discussed my grandmother’s inevitable funeral. Would our long-lost uncle even attend? Would there be tension if he showed up? Would there be tension if he didn’t? You know, just being around family is one of the most therapeutic treatments life has offered me recently. I find myself smiling more. Laughing, even. There’s a genuine, unspoken love that fills a room - even when it is silent - when you’re around family.

It’s my dad’s mom who is sick and drifting. So, I’ve been spending lots of time with his brothers and sisters as they make their way in town to see her. With every hug, however, is a question about my mother. Though they have their own mom to worry about, they embrace me with more warmth because they know how difficult it is on a child to watch a parent endure hardship. There’s no hierarchy with them. No priority of their pain over mine; over my mom’s. We’re a family and we have to get through all of this together.

None of my friends have been able to say or do anything that has fully comforted me over the past two months. Granted, unless someone has been in the exact same situation, there’s no amount of advice or comfort they could really offer anyway. How have I been getting through this? The love of God. An unwavering embrace and extension of love from Her… though I cannot say that I’ve done the same in return. I have been so frustrated and confused and hurt and angry. Some mornings I’ve woken up peacefully, knowing that this was all a part of God’s plan. Some mornings I’ve woken up dreading the day before me, begging for God to hurry up with this lesson and let me move forward. But, regardless of my mood or immediate reaction to this trial, I have managed to keep going.

I never realized how important extended family was until now. It’s a difficult, albeit beautiful, lesson that God has taught me. My grandmother is bringing me closer to family I rarely, if ever, speak to. We’re planning family trips and reuniting on multiple levels now. That’s a blessing. We’re building unspoken connections through our pain. These connects will sustain themselves forever, I’m sure. We’re a lot tougher than we think we are. Everyone is planning to surprise my dad with a visit in a few weeks. I expressed to them that I was worried about how he was handling all of this. He admitted that he wasn’t doing a great job of taking it all in. And so, his brothers and sisters are rising to the occasion… God’s incomprehensible magic at work.

I talk to my mom every day now. Unsolicited phone calls from me while I’m working, driving, sitting, dozing… I appreciate her so much more. And that’s a blessing. I still have so much to learn from her, to ask her, to emulate. What better time to start than now? Her strength, courage and wisdom… her faithfulness to God… her steadfast and confident spirit… her retreat from life stressors… her sense of humor in the midst of it all… her life coaching skills… her unyielding maternal instincts… her sharpness… her blond moments… her ability to support herself… her ability to ask for help… I want to be like her when I grow up.

And God, I need for her to stick around.

Enough Already!

As if I don't have enough on my mind.

This weekend was a full one. I kicked off Friday afternoon (thank God for Summer Fridays!) with a "Bitch Session Happy Hour" with co-workers. It relieved a lot of stress and left me in my happy place - full of chips & salsa and tipsy off of house margaritas. I babysat that night, dozing off to re-runs of TNT original programming.

Saturday began nicely enough. I slept in, then headed to an annual bday pool party for a good friend of mine. After a few hours of basking in the sun, I made my way to a separate bday get-together for one of my linesisters. A lot of our other linesisters had made the voyage down from NYC to help her celebrate, and I wanted to be sure I saw everyone before they left. I arrived to her apartment, tan and tipsy. Pleasantries were exchanged. And man, I was genuinely happy to sit around, sipping beer, with such esteemed ladies. Though we were all around the same age, I admired these women so much for their progress in their professional lives, their fashion sense, their humor, their warmth... I had been anxious to finally chat with my college peers about some of the things going on in my life. I knew they'd each be able to relate to the man-drama, the work-drama, the family-drama... and I was 100% confident that SOMEONE would offer me a little tidbit of advice that would help put things in perspective for me. How did each of them endure hardships and remain fly in the process? How did they make the tough times seem so easy?

But instead, we talked mostly on the superficial level about work and our readiness to move on to the "next phase" in our individual lives - whatever that may be... Slightly disappointed about the lack of depth in our conversation (mind you, they were all getting dressed & ready for the club that night) I took it in stride, and continued the glossed-over convo topics until they were ready to go. Beer in hand, I joked to one linesister about twitter and how she had yet to approve my "follow" request. I still don't quite understand why people protect their updates... but okay. It was at that point she said she had a "bone to pick" with me. WTF? Was she serious?

In typical Michele fashion, I racked my brain trying to figure out exactly what - if anything - she could be upset about. She and I hardly ever kept in touch, and saw each other on rare occasions, such as this one, when lots of sorority sisters happened to be in the same place. Come to find out, she was upset over something I supposedly said to her ex-boyfriend in 2006. This was a time in my life when I was devastated over the boy (much like I am now) and found myself at the gym almost every afternoon. From time to time, Anisa would come with, and we'd jog along my alma mater's track in early evening hours. Of course, there were tons of other students and post grads with the same mentality - running/jogging along the track, and playing soccer on the field. So, summer evenings became somewhat of a skit, with everyone half-working-out, half-socializing after work or after class.

My LS's newly ex-boyfriend noticed Anisa and asked me "what her deal was". Knowing that he had just broken up with my LS, I was in somewhat of an awkward position. In honesty, I told him she was single - nothing more. However, when he translated the story back to my LS, it was I who initiated the hook-up, pushing Anisa onto him in a twisted, malicious attempt to somehow ruin... I don't even know. The shit just doesn't even make sense. Anisa wasn't even FEELING him, which make the story all the more preposterous. Whatever.

As if I don't have enough on my mind.

SHE had a BONE to pick with ME?! Sweetheart - you're three years too late. Why didn't you bring this up then and there? We could have nipped it in the bud, and all would be long forgotten. Second - he's LYING. Now, of course you'll believe your man, or ex-man, or whatever he is, before me. I get that. But please believe that meddling like that it not my style (unless the situation pertains directly to me) and I respect(ed) you way too much to ever do something like that. "Water under the bridge," she called it after she'd gotten that off of her chest. Oh. You have no idea. I'm officially over you, and everyone else who even thinks of bringing added drama into my life. I have no space for it.

::Sighs:: On Sunday I volunteered at my church, had brunch with friends, picked up Ruby for two hours of bonding, and then headed to a bday cookout. The time with Ruby was positive but draining. I watched her splash around my apartment pool (begging me repeatedly to get in with her - but to no avail), then fed her ice cream over a few Hannah Montana episodes. I gave her a mini-manicure and made a deal with her that if she read 10 books over the summer, I'd get her an iPod. See. I'm trying to be a good person. The cookout was fun (even though I was SO exhausted). After a few Bacardi-Pineapples I loosened up and chatted with Melanie about even more weekend drama that I hadn't even been aware of. Whenever too many women (esp. sorority sisters) get around each other, there's like a 24-hour threshold before we start plotting to devour one of our own. Sad but true.

Blah, blah, blah. Watched the SATC Movie last night and cried my eyes out. I'm convinced it was a by product of sleeplessness, PMS, and residual sadness regarding the boy. When will I move past him? When will I stop caring about his every move? His every thought? His bear hugs...? Ufck it, I miss him. Okay? Even though he has hurt me again, and broadcasts his every thought of her via gchat, and plasters love song lyrics on his facebook wall (soliciting "thumbs up" and "likes this" comments from HER in every. single. instance)... I'm still curious to know how he's REALLY doing. Does being "strong" mean I will never talk to him again? That seems as much a disservice to me as it is to him. If I call him, does that make me "weak"? Will I even care this time next Monday when Aunt Flow has come and gone?

And how does any of this compare to the health of my mother or grandmother? It doesn't. Where are my priorities?

Who knows. Who cares.

Whatever.

Waltz (Better Than Fine)

If you don't have a song to sing
You're okay
You know how to get along
Humming
"Hmmm..."

If you don't have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
'Cause it's just what you must do
Nobody does it anymore

No I don't believe in the wasting of time
But I don't believe that I'm wasting mine

If you don't have a point to make
Don't sweat it
You'll make a sharp one being so kind
And I'd sure appreciate it

Everyone else's goal is to get big headed
Why should I follow that beat
Being that I'm
Better than fine...



"Hmmmm...?"

Notes To God, I

Dear God,

First and foremost, I want to thank you for all of the blessings that you have bestowed upon me. You have been much better to me than I’ve been to myself. I want to thank you for the glorious vacation I was able to have in Puerto Rico among old friends and new. I want to thank you for the rain clouds and the sunny days, dear God. The beach was beautiful; the ambiance serene. I was able to rest and party, read and sleep, enjoy drunken moments as well as dramatically sober ones. It was perfect.

Though I spent too much money (I can pay Discover later) and possibly focused too much on the negatives in my life – I grew closer to you, oh Lord. After Lewis suggested that I read “The Shack,” I made my way to Borders and picked it up just in time for my flight. I must admit, the heaviness of the book didn’t quite make it a poolside read. But you already knew, God, that it was just what I needed at that time. I couldn’t put it down while I was there. I had to wear shades (and risk the raccoon-tan) because the storyline had me in tears chapter after chapter. The protagonist in the story suffered something so heinous and tragic, that it reminded me I have little to complain about. Yes, my mother has cancer – but she will persevere and triumph in this battle. Yes, my grandmother is dying – but such is the cycle of life. And God, as you very well know, I’m suffering from a broken heart right now. But I trust that you will mend it, and make me strong again. That is why I love you.

I believe that these situations, while overlapping and overwhelming, are occurring so that I may rely on you. I am learning that, while I may not understand the trials right now, you have already determined the verdict – and I will come out on top. You are teaching me that I need people in my life who will make me better; not anyone who will abuse my friendship, and make me question myself. And while I feel like I’m at war right now, my battle has already been won. My mother’s battle has already been won. And you will keep my grandmother in your loving arms, and grant her peace when her final hour comes.

But God, if I may, I must ask: must it always be this difficult? I mean, I wake up every morning and talk with you. I bless your name. I meditate (or try to, at least) en route to work. While I know these things – these hurts – are good for me, must it always be this difficult? Why is it that the boy gets to be madly in love with a new girl, and I’m left to emotional numbness? The songs he once sang to me, he now sings to her. The intensity of our relationship has completely vanished – and he now has someone new with whom he shares inside jokes, daily conversations, late night talks, and a growing love. And so suddenly? I know I cannot comprehend your greatness. I know I cannot attempt to rationalize what you have already deemed necessary. I know that the best is yet to come. But, if it’s not asking too much, could we please expedite the current smarting process? Yes, through pain we learn and grow. We won’t make the same mistakes twice. We will use our scars and wounds as reminders of previous wrongs, and make them right moving forward. Maybe he’s not meant to be in my life. Maybe his season has passed. I’m okay with that. I honestly am. I just ask that, if it’s in your will, please help me to stop dwelling on him. Help me to move forward. Help me to stop Facebook stalking him. Help me to find peace. Please.

You’ve been so good to me, dear God. You’ve blessed me with deep and pure friendships. You’ve blessed me with a family who loves me unconditionally. You have graced me with good looks. You have graced me with good health. You have even provided superficial things to make me smile – such as new bags, new shoes, new electronics and the like. I know I don’t need these things. I know I don’t deserve them. And you have done wonders for me because you love me. I hope that, as I grow with you, I will make you proud. And, I’ll bear these burdens God, because I know you are with me and each event in my life serves a purpose. I will seek out the beauty in these sometimes troubling instances and bless you in all of it. I love you, I bless you, and I will glorify your name. Thank you for all of it.

In Jesus’ name… Amen.