Have We Met?

A dear friend of mine, “Jamel”, posed an interesting question a few days ago. We were going back and forth via instant e-mail (you know, the phenomenon similar to instant messaging or g-chatting, but on the professional scale (so it appears as though you’re doing work, not talking and theorizing with your friends)), when he raised an interesting point. He asked me whether or not I thought he had a quick temper. The immediate reply was “no”. I’ve dealt with guys - well, one in particular - with the quickest tempers imaginable, and Jamel’s did not compare.

He proceeded to elaborate, explaining the context of the question, and how it related back to a former relationship of his. Therein, I recognized the problem: I don’t know “Relationship Jamel”; I know “Normal Jamel”. The dichotomy is incredible, particularly because we all possess these two sides. The person we are in a relationship varies tremendously from the everyday person we present to our peers, family and best friends. Though they may know us well, or may only see sides of us that we choose to present, their viewpoint is entirely limited. The boundaries in a relationship, however, expand. As we innately search for life partners, we allow ourselves to be more vulnerable, more selfish, more thoughtful, more poignant, and more reckless. Every emotion intensifies. If our significant other makes us angry, we’re not mad – we’re pissed. We’re furious. We’re livid. If our S.O. brightens our day – maybe we’re in love? Is this the way love feels? Is he the ONE? We smile our smiles wider. Our tears fall harder. We sometimes speak before we think, thus our apologies run deeper. Whew.

In a previous relationship, I remember keeping a journal and wondering: Am I crazy about him, or does he just make me crazy? The newness of an intense relationship is bound to raise that question. And though that particular relationship has faded (for the most part) I still find myself searching for an answer for that one…

One thing I really value about one of my first boyfriends (whom I dated on-and-off-again throughout high school and college) is that, not only have we remained friends, but he has remained honest with me. I can call “Gabriel” in the midst of any new relationship and ask him critical questions about my relationship self. He is, after all, one of the few people who actually know her. I may exhibit a quiet intensity for the things I love: French, music, dance, mixed drinks, etc. (Like, I don’t just like Little Brother; I LOVE Little Brother. I don’t just like Tryst in Adams Morgan, or Serendipity on the Upper East Side, or Flying Biscuit on West Paces Ferry; I love those places. And, whenever I can get two or more of the bridesmaids in one place – I’m in heaven.) But, my relationship self/alter-ego eagerly delves deep into the peculiarities of intimacy. There is no quiet – there is only intensity. And if the sentiments about my livelihood are any indicator, one can only imagine how deep the still waters run once I’ve entered a serious relationship. I embrace those bottomless, still waters. They drench me. I submerge.

“Gabriel” reminds me that I have a tendency to pick things apart. He reminds me that I’m over-analytical. He tells me I need to relax and oftentimes, he’s right. But he also tells me not to settle for less. He reminds me that I’m beautiful. He keeps me clairvoyant.

In relationships, I am profoundly passionate. I make myself vulnerable in situations where, with anyone else, I would not. I reveal a side of myself that I’m otherwise careful to protect. I run up my cell phone bill though I don’t consider myself a “phone person”. I pinch, poke, kiss, hug, wrestle, bite, headlock, tease and handhold because that’s how I show affection. And. Wow. My relationship self is super-affectionate. In fact, there is an interesting theory about love languages and how we best express affection for others. http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/30sec.html#love

My inability to answer Jamel’s question provided insight to a powerful and dynamic concept: the normal self vs. the relationship self. I think that the Single Aesthetic here is being able to recognize the personality differences and nuances you share with people based on your relationship to them. Even more beauty lies in the ability to consciously work on the relationship self, preparing her (or him) for a future partner. We cannot change facets (or variances) of our own personalities before we realize they exist. And, I venture to say you need not be in a current relationship to channel the relationship self and begin that internal conversation… that is, assuming there are things that need to change. I think I like my relationship self. She’s pretty cool. She knows how to cook, enjoys watching the game and plays well with others. So for the time being, until she meets someone special, I’ll keep her tucked away in a safe place. No need in getting Mr. Right Now all confused…