Notes to God, II

Dear God,

Thank you so much. Thank you for allowing me to find the positive – the single aesthetic – in every situation I have encountered over the past few months. Thank you for a trying summer and for providing shoulders to lean on. Thank you for opening my eyes to the hard realities of life and the world. Thank you for blessing me in the midst of it; for picking me up when I felt completely beaten and defeated. Thank you for providing listening ears and non-judgmental hearts. Thanks for letting me know that I’m not alone.

I’m taking my final in Microeconomics today, and Lord you know I am not prepared. I have yet to even finish reading a few of the chapters on a final exam that is only hours away. But I thank you for reminding me that this is not the end of the world. I am not in high school depending on a college scholarship. I am not in college trying to hold on to a scholarship. I am a post-baccalaureate student who, per the recommendation of her dream school’s recruiter, decided to show initiative and enroll in a business course. I am a young woman who faced a number of changes and challenges over the course of the summer, and thus could not focus wholeheartedly on the content of the class. I am an adult who sought to learn something about economics as opposed to fulfilling a college prerequisite. And, being the perfectionist that I am, I would have loved to have earned an “A”. But, I was tested multiple times this summer outside of the classroom. So, if I do poorly on the class final, I’ll be okay with that. Because You, Lord, allowed me to pass my personal summer test...

Perhaps that’s the reason I’m unable to focus enough to study. I feel as though I have already crossed the finish line. I feel like I have overcome the last hurdle… at least for a little while. Work has finally simmered down. I’m making peace with the loss of my friend. I’m building a harmonious and rock-steady relationship with my mother. I’m re-evaluating what I want to do with my life, and coming to some fascinating and exciting conclusions. I’m unlocking so much potential. Thank you, God, for shining down your wisdom through the storm that had enveloped me for so long.

I cannot wait to begin the rest of my life! Today is a new day. And, though it is physically raining outside, I feel brighter internally. I met with someone yesterday who really brought new perspective to everything that has been troubling me. Her name is Linda. She listened to me go on and on about my problems… never judging, never impatient. She brought me to realizations that I may not have reached otherwise. God, thank you for placing her in my life, and giving me the courage to fully open up so that I may resolve whatever else is plaguing me.

I came in the morning and finally organized my cube. It’s now full of pictures, knick-knacks, plants and new Ikea furniture. It feels warm and bright. It feels like home. It no longer feels like a stressful place for day-dwelling… but more like a comfortable spot where I happen to work. What a difference perspective makes. Thank you.

Thank you also for dear friends like Anisa and Cece who have allowed me to figure things out by talking, not talking, crying, listening, laughing and the like. And, if they ever grew tired of hearing me vent, thank you for having them listen to me anyway. Good friends are like rocks. They will carry some burdens with you, even when they don’t have to. They’re immobile when it comes to their friends, always staying down for the cause. They’re easy to lean on, and yet never too heavy to pick up. Thank you for blessing me with the RIGHT people in my life.

God, please give me the tenacity and drive to study for this final. I know I have “work” to do, but you have already removed two meetings from my afternoon schedule, proving that I could really learn this material (cramming it in, no doubt) if I really wanted to. ::sighs:: Fine. Fine. Fine. I’ll duck out into an empty cube with this dense textbook and attempt to learn the last few chapters of the text.

You have blessed me so, so much. I couldn’t tell it all, even if I tried. Thank you.


Amen.

Clairvoyance

What the fuck have I been doing for the past four years?

After many internal conversations, much agonizing, countless tears and circling conversations, I have reached a timeless conclusion – one I end at repeatedly – I’m over it. I’m not necessarily “over it” in the sense that I’m over The Boy… because, though I should be, I’m not quite there. And not “over” all relationships… because I feel as though I’m actually pretty close to being ready for a real one. I’m over the grown-up childishness of having a “boo,” or “talking” to someone, or endless “dating” with no real future. I’m over laughing at derogatory jokes about women. I’m over misogynistic hip-hop lyrics. I’m over our over-sexed society. I’m over black men who cannot commit. I’m over black men who CAN commit, and only refuse to do so with “the boo”. I’m over jump-offs. I’m over casual sex (for the most part). I’m over “playing it cool” to score points with someone who probably doesn’t deserve the 15 minutes of time I’m willing to spend.

I’m over late night conversations that won't ever see the dawn of a new day. I’m over cutesy text messages with no real purpose. I’m over men who say one thing and mean another. It’s all so silly. I’m over sucking it up for the sake of “what if” and “maybe later”. I’m over sacrificing my wants and needs for those of others. I’m over the game.

The pain I have endured over the past three months (disproportionately as a result of my dealings with this whore-boy) has taught me so, so much. Not only do I realize what I can put up with versus what I will put up with, but I appreciate that I don’t HAVE to put up with shit. I can do bad all by myself. I can date outside of my race. I can achieve happiness being alone. Purely physical relationships tend to get me in trouble anyway. And for what? What is fulfilling about a casual encounter? Where is the love in any of that? When is the last time I WAS in love? When will I find it again?

Granted, I’m being built into a better me. God is really working some magic this summer. And, while it hurts like hell, I KNOW it is for the best. I do not doubt it for one second. But, I’ve been chastising myself for my “number”. Not in a holier-than-thou religious sense, but in a perfectionist you-know-you-know-better sense. Why did add those worthless “notches”? Who even CARES about some of these dudes?! I get so angry.

I’m not bitter. I’m refreshed, actually.

Clairvoyant.

High.

How sweet is the realization that substantive relationships are attainable, and real, and well-deserved? Hell no, I don’t have to settle for a non-committal sociopath. I could actually meet someone amazing! Someone older. Someone mature. Someone grounded. I could test these fragile and somewhat hardened wings again… soaring over the disgust and contempt I once felt for he who shall forever remain nameless. I will rise above it. There is someone out there with whom I’m more compatible and more equally yoked. Maybe he’s sitting at a corner Starbucks reading today’s Post. Maybe he’s buying a new mixtape at Moods Records in L5P. Maybe he’s working late nights, grinding, just like me. Maybe…

I know it’s not time for me to meet him yet – because, like I said, I’m not there yet. My head is still jumbled with fleeting thoughts of The Boy. My heart is still reeling from the petty, but hurtful email war with the GF. She made me feel small. She chastised me for mistakes I know I should have never made. She gutted me. Yanked me by my roots and tossed me aside. And, though their foundation is unsteady – built upon lies, and backstabbing, and false realities – it doesn’t involve me. Though I cringe as I reflect upon her words, and secretly continue to plot against her… their present does not involve me. I don’t even care about the two of them together. I care that I was and continue to be affected by her sharp and pervasive WORDS. Sticks and stones… I know… but still.

I still have a few more things to learn. I still have a few more miles to go. I still have some rebuilding to do. My mom has some more wisdom to share. My heart has some mending to bear. I have a few more tears, I think. A few more prayers… Some kinks to iron out. I’ll get there. I’m not too worried about it… I’m just disappointed about those four frivolous years: dealing with him, rebounding from him, forgetting about him, remembering him, spiting him, reconnecting with him, believing him, ignoring him, trusting him, and burying him... for good. I used men as tools during the rebound years to make myself feel better. Or, to make him feel worse… To numb college heartache... To satisfy drunken curiosity... None of it seems to have meant anything now. None of it seems relevant. None of it seems useful. So, why’d I do it?! And, why did I let it go this far?

What the fuck have I been doing for the past four years?

A Sad New Sorority

Last night, I talked with friends from college that I rarely speak with. Of course, the nature of the conversation centered around the boy. As I shared "my side" of the story, I was met with comments ranging from "girl, let me tell you what happened to me!" and "girl, I can completely relate!" And, while a huge chunk of me is appreciative that I'm not the only person who has to endure utter and complete mess on occasion, it saddens me to know that everyone else is dealing with the same trifling-ass n!ggas too.

Why?

What is it about our alma mater, our community, and our society that allows men to trample all over us? Does it begin when we settle for less? When we settle for a non-title when we know we deserve one? When we turn a blind eye to his flirting because we're "just friends" and he's not really hurting anyone? How about when we let a handful of lies slide because we ultimately know what the truth is and "it's not really that big of a deal". We let these problems escalate. I know I did at least. And what about those instances when we ignore our gut? A woman's intuition is a powerful thing. I need to learn to let mine guide me and stop second-guessing every thing she brings to light.

Why, when one of our girls is sad, do we try to top each other with painful stories of how we've been done wrong? Yes, it's funny to us, and it brightens our mood, because the stories are so incredibly ridiculous! He has a child that you didn't know about? He has impregnated his baby mama AGAIN? He got a girlfriend WHILE y'all were talking? (Hand raised - me too!) He tried to talk to you knowing he was in a relationship? He let you go tit-for-tat with his girl and stood on the sidelines blameless? He's MARRIED?! What the ham sandwich is going on in the world? These things are not okay! It's not okay. And, I would say "women, we have to do better" but a lot of my girls who experience these things are innocent in the situation. They were led to believe in a false reality. They were sold dreams... and devastated to wake up from them.

I will admit, I fell asleep smiling last night. I learned some new facts about the GF that gave me brand new perspective. Ol' girl had just gotten out of a relationship when she and The Boy started one. Rebounding asses. They deserve each other. She has also been described (objectively) as immature, boy-crazy, a girly-girl, thirsty for attention but otherwise "cool". "She seems cool," is what I keep hearing. Okay.

Whatever. I'm not mad at her. Though her nasty emails are what warranted this investigation, I'm luckily too swamped with work to continue to worry about her. But HIM. SMH. I can only imagine what is in store for him. It's not my battle. I know. He's in my past. I don't need to worry about him. I need to let him go... don't lecture me, I know these things.

I'm just saying. Membership in the "He Did Me Wrong" Sorority is too costly. Who wants to join such a sad little organization anyway? Problem is, once you express interest in a deadbeat man (knowingly or unknowingly), you have no way to predict your dues. It could cost you a year of your life... maybe four... maybe more. Praise God for the day when you can call the situation a "lesson learned" and begin to move on with your life.... offering sound words of advice to the neophytes as they join. I'll thank God that my haze is over. I'm still reeling from Hell Night, but who in their sound mind would ever go back and RE-DO Hell Night? I think not.

I'm a member! Woo-hoo. Paid in full. What is the next step? Hm? Let me find some Sorority elders and ask them. There's no use in joining anything if you can't network and learn from others... so "helloooooooo... what's next?" Sisterly relations? Regionals? National Conference?

I guess Sisterly Relations would be the "I-Can-Top-That" stories shared over late night phone calls saturated with wine. Regionals are the weekend vacays where you and your girls share updates. Nationals, in my case, equals Homecoming, where we're confronted with many of the men who DID us wrong, and we're forced to look, feel and be FLYER THAN EVER so that those same raggedy-ass dudes can cry themselves to sleep at night when they reflect upon their dumbass decisions that caused us to end all ties. For them, I imagine it feels like when a recovering alcoholic is confronted with a Vodka Tonic after however many months of sobriety. Kill yourself.

I'm not proud to be a member, but I'm glad to have such great sisters. Warm. Understanding. Non-judgemental. Funny. Sensitive. Real.

::sighs:: I'll ask again - what's next?

A Hug for Myself

Well. I decided to let it go. The saga that I started by sending an anonymous email has finally ended by my letting the GF have the last word. She was infuriating in her first email to me, and after I responded, her follow-up was condescending and downright rude. But you know what, had someone come at me that way, I'm not sure I would have reacted differently. What's trifling is that he let her do it. He provided ammunition and obscured me to be the villain; the psychotic ex; the groupie; the jump off; the silly girl who couldn't let it go.

My friends have been comforting to me - each in their own way. But, no one has been in my shoes, or felt what I'm feeling. I cannot honestly expect to get a sound word out of advice from any of them. People cannot give what they don't have.

So, if I were my friend, this is what I would say to myself:

[HUGE BEAR HUG] "Girl. I know. I know... let it out. You never thought it would come to this, right? I know. It's okay. Let it out.

You deserve so much better. And I'm not saying that to be cliche or because you're my girl. I'm saying it because it's true. Look at him. Really, see him for who he is. He has never made an effort to put a title on your relationship. He has never defended you or stood up for you in this situation or any other. In college, when girls were staring at you crazy, he LET that happen. Now, he has forwarded all of your email addresses to his new girlfriend. He is not standing up for you. He is lying about you, dragging your name through the mud, and ruining your reputation. I know it's difficult to let it go. I know it is. But you can't continue to feed the beast. It will only escalate. You have to be the one to put an end to it - even if it's a passive end.

Do you see the way he looks at her? The way he introduces her? The way he references her? He never did that for you. Ever. And you deserve that from someone. You do. Someone who DOES have a job. Someone who DOES have a career path. Someone with money in the bank. Someone who is honest. Someone with goals. The man you deserve respects women. He doesn't indulge in drama. He doesn't treat people like "things". He respects feelings. His word is his bond. He listens. He cares. He's selfless. He's mature. He's handsome. He's humble. He's thoughtful. He's well traveled. He's well read. He's gentle. He will compliment you perfectly.

He won't lie about who you are, how he feels about you, how he felt about you, or the status of your relationship. He won't deny your past because it's convenient for his present. He won't drop you for something shiny and new. He won't remain silent as others attack you. He won't put you in emotionally draining situations.

He will admire you. He will build you up. He will catch you when you fall. He will honor you. He will trust you. He will earn your trust. He will respect you. He will love you. He will LOVE you.

[Rubbing back] You will get through this. I know it's hard. I know you're disappointed, and frustrated, and confused. I know you're hurt. I KNOW you're hurt. And I know it feels like God is looking over you... passing you by. But He is not. Maybe THIS is what it would take for you to finally cut that negative man out of your life. Maybe the 2nd, 5th, 9th and 15th times were not enough. But the great thing about God is that He is patient and understanding. Before you even met that boy, God knew what the outcome would be - and He knew how long it would take for you to learn your lesson. So praise God that the time has finally come. Move forward. Clear you heart of all anguish and pain. Clear you heart of all turmoil. Pray for forgiveness of self. Forgive the very one who has caused you this pain. Move forward. You will need a clean heart and a renewed spirit for the Love that God has in store for you. You will need energy, and humility and room for Love. If you remain bitter and heartbroken, there will be no room for the joys that your future love has to offer.

Make peace with this. Take your time... but know that as soon as this chapter is over, you can begin the next one. It is up to you how long that will take. He treated you badly, and that was wrong. But YOU cannot fix his heart. YOU cannot win this war. Sending emails and trying to explain the situation to her are futile efforts. Being catty and snide in response to her is childish. He has already won her trust. And she is clearly blinded by, eh, whatever it is they have for each other. You cannot direct this show. You cannot control the next moves. Know this though - he will pay for what he has done. Your email war with this girl, and heart wrenching sadness, and sleepless nights, and daily agonizing, and persistent headaches, and loss of appetite, and endless soul searching are your penance. You have surely gained what you needed from this situation and God knows how sorry you are. You made decisions - some good, some bad - and have paid the price for them. Move forward. Leave him behind. Grow. Open you heart for what God has in store.

I love you. And there's nothing you can do to ever make me stop loving you. You are a beautiful person, and it pains me to see you go through this. I'm so sorry that there's nothing more that I can do. But you are a strong person. You are resilient. You deserve more. And, more is on the way. Leave him behind. Love yourself enough to leave him behind. Love yourself enough to ignore her rude comments. Love yourself enough to leave both of them in their places - in your rearview mirror. Move forward."

::sighs:: Deep breaths. He told her I was a jump off. He has implied that I mean/meant nothing to him. I know what I did was fucked up, and I apologize for that. I sincerely do. I don't feel the need to say that directly to either of them - but I will send that sentiment into the universe. I am remorseful. I have learned not to let my emotions get the best of me. I have also learned not to let a man have the best of me - particularly when he is a slimy, manipulative, self-serving, lying-ass, backstabbing, insecure, immature, ego-maniacal pig.

That felt nice.

[Bear hug for myself]

God makes all things new and I will follow Him FORWARD.

My Work E-Mail?

So. Awhile ago I did something silly. I'll admit it was slightly psychotic, but whatever. Sometimes people will push you places. I sent the new GF an email detailing all of the ups and downs of my "relationship" with the boy. The only catch - I sent it from a fake e-mail address. Fun, right? Nice and dramatic.

Time passed, he withdrew his business from my company. He and I exchanged choice words via email, gchat, what have you. I was making progress in my life, learning to live without him, juggling the multiple work stresses and stresses from back at home... I was doing okay.

In a conversation with Dionne the other day, however, she revealed that he had been treating her "weird" in the past months. She didn't know about the email, but once I explained the situation to her, she said things began to make sense. No wonder he had been rude and stand-offish with her in social settings. He thought SHE was the one who sent the cold and somewhat out-of-line email. ::sighs::

Out of loyalty to her, I broke my two-month silence with the boy, notifying him that it was I who sent the email. He needed to keep Dionne out of it. Well, that was a terrible move. Within hours, I received an email from his GF - sent directly to my two google accounts and my work email. MY WORK EMAIL.

Let me tell you something. It doesn't matter what kind of personal drama anyone is EVER going through. You DO NOT play on people's work email. You DO. NOT. PLAY. on people's work email. Ever. No excuse. I was heated. Livid, really. Trembling to the point that I could not think straight.

Now, I guess this is what I get for playing around on email to start off with, but to be perfectly honest, my intentions weren't 100% malicious. I was angry to start off with, but I really felt like she should know what she was getting into. I guess she'll have to learn the hard way. No longer my problem. I can't say I haven't been plotting against her since yesterday though. Trying to figure out the right way to clear my name and erase all of the terrible lies that boy has been tellin her. But why do I even care? He's moving to New York to be with her, and based on her email to all THREE of my accounts, they're "incredibly happy" together. Well isn't that beautiful.

I'm going to try not to dwell on it. I really am. But I know how I get and it will take a minute to get this out of my system. The audacity of BOTH of them. He is a ridiculous person and it's a blessing that he has been removed from my life. She CLEARLY does not see the whole picture, otherwise she wouldn't be so desperate to paint their love story for me. I'm no longer sad about him or pining to have him back in my life. I secretly hope he gets hit by a bus in Harlem, or mugged in broad daylight. Is that bad?

Who cares.

My mom is hilarious. I'm so glad we're getting to the point where I can tell her *practically* anything. I told her tidbits about my current drama - enough to get her perspective without totally outing myself - and she agreed with me. She took my side. So I started telling her more stuff, the stuff I had done wrong, and she said to me "sometimes people just have to get cursed out." Now, my mother does not curse whatsoever. So to hear that comment from her made me laugh out loud. She said "sometimes people just push you to the point that you have to do that. If you can't talk to them in your language, you have to talk to them in theirs." It was nice to hear her say that. To me, it reaffirmed that I had been handling this okay. I couldn't escape blame for what I did, and I'll own up to that. But the fact that this boy has been lying to the GF about me, and she's buying every word is slowly driving me crazy.

It goes back to the control issue, I guess. Clearly I don't have any in this predicament. It's bittersweet to have to "let it go" especially when I have so much else I want/need to say to both of them. It just means the final episode of this soap opera will be epic. Knock down, drag out. Monumental. It's not to say that I thrive off of drama because I typically avoid it at all costs. But, man. He is taking it there, and I'm tired of being trampled by his foolishness. Deep breaths.

What goes around comes around.

Conventional Wisdom

It's unfortunate that it has taken me so long to appreciate the conventional wisdom of my mom and my grandparents.

It's only in candid, confidential conversations that I begin to learn who my mother, and my grandparents, really are. And through these conversations I begin to ask: why did it take 25 years for us to get here?

I've been talking to my mom almost every day now. I love it. She has let her guard down in a way that I don't believe I would have seen were it not for the Lymphoma. Truthfully, we've been able to laugh easily since I was in college. I guess by that point I had proven myself to the degree at which she could alleviate some of her own stressors. After graduation, we overcame another hurdle, and new conversation topics were then acceptable. Now that I'm working, paying my own bills, and she has encountered a slightly-non-threatening sickness, it feels as though (almost) nothing is off the table. I love it.

Earlier today (on this fine 4th of July!) I was making my way from Saturday Night Service to a BBQ when I decided to do my daily check-in. Mom groggily answered the phone, and once I confirmed that I hadn't interrupted her sleep, we began to catch up. We discussed the nature of the sermon, her most recent doctor appointment, my mid-term grade and the dirtiness of my apartment. "Well, don't worry about it," she said. "WHAT?" I exclaimed, laughing. "I don't think I've ever heard you say something like that," I chuckled. "Well, your Mamaw (that's what we call our grandma) always says 'don't worry about stuff like that - it'll work itself out.'" I smiled. This was true. The cleanliness of my one-bedroom apartment was honestly the least of my troubles.

It's not even that my mom and I exchanged any profound words in our most recent call; it's that the repetition, and progression of these calls grows more intense and more earnest as each day passes. And, as I reflect upon my post from this time last year, I'm reminded of my lightheartedness at the time and surprised by my current growth. I was so carefree when I was en route to The Taste in 2008. Now that I'm facing real life challenges, and enduring a number of hardships simultaneously, I see that my priorities have completely shifted... and I'm okay with that. Then, I'd rather charge a trip and get drunk with college friends. Now, I'd rather go to church and talk to my mom... and then get drunk with friends for free at a later hour :-).

While the past two months have undoubtedly been difficult, I'm looking forward to what July - December have to offer. Brighter days - I hope. ::sighs:: Tonight's cookout was full of beer, mojitos and grass. I'm completely relaxed and comfortable as I recount the past 12 hours. But I know that tomorrow I'll wake up, sobered and lonely, to face a new day with only the spirit of God at my side. And, I'm okay with that too. I just can't wait until that's no longer the case.. (the lonely part, that is).

It will happen. Trouble don't last always. And, if my mom's conventional wisdom has taught me anything, it is this: THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE. Looking forward to tomorrow...