The Valley

I drove home for Memorial Day weekend to attend a funeral. A friend's brother passed away, and the service commemorating his life was taking place that Sunday. Before I made it home, though, I was alerted that my mother was back in the hospital. She'd been having trouble sleeping, trouble breathing, and overall weakness in her body. Guess the bear hug I needed from her was going to have to wait. This weekend, she needed me more.

I arrived in my hometown too late to visit her that night. She was scheduled for release the next day, and I was prepared to take care of her in any way that she needed. My brother and his future wife made it in town about 30 minutes after I did (close to 1:00 am). Dad was asleep and Paris was busy on her laptop... so I watched a movie to calm my nerves about the next day's events.

I woke up Saturday morning, dialed Mom, and found out she wouldn't be coming home any time soon. The doctors were awaiting test results and, since many of them had the holiday weekend off (!!), she would be spending the next three days cooped up in a hospital room. WTF. So, in eldest child fashion, I began knocking on bedroom doors and rounding up the troops. "Get up!" I said, brushing tears off of my cheeks, "we're going to the hospital."

I headed downstairs for a quick pep talk with Corinne. Both of her parents had just finished rounds of Chemo, and I needed to know what I was in for. Granted, I was jumping to conclusions as no one had mentioned the word "cancer" just yet, but I needed to know what to do. How was I supposed to handle this?

Corinne did her best to reassure me, and I jumped into the shower so that we could leave. Once we arrived to her room, I opened the door surprised and elated to see my grandparents and Aunt seated around the room alongside my father. Sighs of relief. She was not alone. We exchanged warm welcomes and found our places (chairs, window sills, the foot of the bed, etc.). We were going to be there for awhile. The day was passing quietly enough when yet another troubling bit of news came to us by phone. My paternal grandmother, God bless her, was suffering from dementia. Though my dad and his own siblings had moved her to an assisted living home, her health was starting to get the better of her. She had suffered a few mini-strokes over the past weeks (unbeknownst to my aunts and uncles), and wasn't in good shape. She was having trouble recognizing her own children's faces. She was weak....

When it rains it pours.

My siblings and I left around 4:00 to grab dinner, and returned (after a brief nap) to spend the evening with Mom. She was a bit groggy and obviously tired, but she was not defeated. I love that lady. By 11:30, after the Lakers BARELY slid by the Nuggets, it was time to give Mom some rest. Both my little bro and I were too weirded out by the day's events to go straight home - so we headed to a hookah bar. He, his girlfriend and I partook of Watermelon and Blue Ice hookah along with bottomless cocktails that night. After awhile, we began to feel the effects of the smoke and spirits, and had a quiet breakdown at the corner patio table. I started it. We were talking about how great our parents were, and how strong they had been in raising us. The mere thought of anything remotely negative happening to her became too much to bear. Then my bro was in tears. Thinking about Grandma, and our family as a whole, and how devastating it would be for Dad if anything - in either situation - went awry.

Whew.

Sunday, I woke up exhausted but oddly refreshed after some much needed rest. I got dressed and headed to the funeral. For the most part, I was able to stay together, shedding a tear every now and then as thoughts of other potential funerals began to cloud my thoughts. Had to shake those off... Funerals, though tragic, are often beautiful. The poems, testimonies and words that family members used to express their remembrance of the deceased were beautiful. The most poignant statement to me, came from his father. He said that family had to hold on to one another in times like this. Others may try to console you, and express their regret, but their words won't necessarily mean that much when you are grieving. Only those others who have experienced your exact same loss will understand and truly be able to offer comfort. He said "do not take advice from people who have not been in your situation; people cannot give what they don't have." How true. And, I sought to apply that in my own life. While I was worried about my mom, my grandmother, and my now-deceased relationship with the boy (why was I even still thinking about that?!) I could only look to God to truly help me. Friends with parents who had fought cancer would be helpful. Family members or friends with ailing grandparents might offer insights here and there. Any girl with a broken heart knows what it feels like to have someone she loves bite the dust. But, the culmination of these things all at once? Having one's heart and mind stretched to capacity in a matter of hours? Who can advise on that? ::sighs::

Monday was better, but I dreaded having to leave. I had so much on my mind. I had so many questions. I had so much to say. And I needed help! I needed my Mommy to tell me what to do; to help make things right. So, I went alone to visit her. We sat and talked; we watched TV. And, as I was packing up my things to leave, I broke down again. I was crying about so many things that I couldn't even get the words out. Nurses entered and left to change her IV, take her temperature, and offer assistance. I just sat there, cradled in her left arm, waiting for them to leave.

We talked about relationships, and being single until you're thirty. I feel like that's the road I'm on these days. She said to me "I think you're worried about this because you see your brother with his girlfriend all the time. If he didn't bring her to every thing, you probably wouldn't even be focused on it." She was right. And while I didn't mention all of the devastating things that had happened in my own love life lately, her comment did put a few things in perspective. Why was I still trippin' about that estranged young man? Hellooooo. That ship has sailed.

We talked about how she was going to be just fine. Seeing me cry was going to make her cry. We all needed to just keep our spirits up and know that God was going to handle it. Had all of this church-going taught me nothing?! Of course God was going to handle it. Everything was going to be just fine!

Sooner Or Later

Sooner or later it all comes crashing down (crashing down)
Crashing down (crashing down)
When everyones around
I bet you would of paid up all your cash down (your cash down)
And not make a sound (to make a sound)
But everyone knows now

So you're sad
About the moment
You lost your love (damn)
You couldn't see her leaving
You were gassed
And that sucks don't it
Cause God yanked the rug
And holding your heart will not help you breathe

Sooner or later it all comes crashing down (crashing down)
Crashing down (crashing down)
When everyones around
I bet you would of paid up all your cash down (your cash down)
And not make a sound (to make a sound)
But everyone knows now

It all comes crashing
Down

It's over leave it

So you're sad
And you should own it
That you ufcked up (damn!)
You thought that you were the team
You were gassed
And now your opponent
He wears your gloves
A nightmare just ate up your dreams

Sooner or later it all comes crashing down (crashing down)
Crashing down (crashing down)
When everyones around
I bet you would of paid up all your cash down (your cash down)
And not make a sound (to make a sound)
But everyone knows now

It all comes crashing
Down

It's over leave it

So you're sad
Could have had so much done
You blew it off
Your chances passing you by
You were gassed
Time waits for no one
And it costs for a loss
A cosmic joke
Should you laugh or cry?

Sooner or later it all comes crashing down (crashing down)
Crashing down (crashing down)
When everyones around
I bet you would of paid up all your cash down (your cash down)
And not make a sound (to make a sound)
But everyone knows now

It all comes crashing
Down

It's over, leave it

Down

It's over, leave it




It's OVER! LEAVE IT!

24-Hour Rule

Cece has this thing called the 24-Hour Rule. I don’t know how the hell she came up with it, or how she manages to stick to it. The basic premise is this: do not allow yourself to experience any intense emotion for longer than 24 hours. If something exciting happens, you can only be joyous for 24 hours. If you feel like dog poo, you can only cry and sulk for 24 hours.

Thursday was hard. Emotionally, it was the most difficult day I’ve had in a very, very long time. It was hard to concentrate. I found myself blankly staring at my computer screen, going through the motions, just trying to make it shedding as few tears as possible. I took many bathroom breaks. My face was pale. My nose was red. I can only hope my occasional sniffles didn’t bother the cube mate who sits across the aisle from me. Maybe he just thinks I have allergies or something. Who cares.

By the afternoon, I was over my meager attempts at work, and found myself surfing YouTube for ANYTHING that might make the afternoon more bearable. Voila. I found the last five episodes of “The Game” that I had never gotten around to watching. The CW gave them a terrible time slot and wonders why the show doesn’t perform?! When the show is inevitably cancelled, it will be missed. The mixture of drama, comedy and real-life reactions are all too powerful and hit extremely close to home these days. [SPOILER ALERT] In the final episodes, the sexiest character (named Jason) ends up in jail for fighting Kelly’s “beau”. In a touching visitation session, Jason and Kelly have a heart-to-heart and really begin re-connect. All drama aside, it’s clear that these two still care about one another. Kelly pre-maturely develops this idea that she and her ex-husband will reunite and all will be well in the world. She looks at his jail time and trial as a sign that God is ‘bringing them back together’. As soon as he gets off, however, he embraces Kelly and thanks her, then proceeds to run to the arms of his new girlfriend. How fitting.

Brittany Daniel isn’t necessarily the best actress, but I swear she captured real emotion in those last scenes. And, I did appreciate that Derwin and Mel wound up together after all the drama. I mean – that really is what it’s all about. How do you know that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, for better or worse, until you endure all the triumphs and failures of a relationship? Well, you have to make it through a variety of trying situations and hold steadfast to the person beside you – for better or worse. I know it’s just a show, but watching young black couples make it on television is rare – especially in a manner that I can relate to. It restored in me a tiny bit of faith in relationships. A tiny piece.

Today is a new day. After work (yay for Summer Fridays!) I’m heading home with Anisa to see my parents, attend a funeral, and hopefully get some much needed rest. Rest from work, my personal life, and anything else that’s plaguing me right now. I’m looking forward to mom hugging me. I’m looking forward to dad’s cooking. I’m looking forward to some fresh air.

Since I’m just now subscribing to the “24 Hour Rule,” I might make a slight amendment for the first go-round and grant myself 48. Deep breaths. Everything is going to be okay…

Untitled

Am I being punished?

I had this same thought the summer after I graduated. Had I done something so terribly wrong that I deserved to feel used, betrayed and manipulated? The following summer, in 2007, was slightly better. I had managed to pick myself up and heal most of my wounds. But one fateful evening in February of 2008, my phone rang. It was him. We talked for five hours. FIVE. I was in awe, and shocked, and pleased all at once. Was it possible?! Could I really get my friend back?

Weeks later I visited Dionne and saw him. We re-connected. A few months after that, I visited him alone. I was of sound mind, and fully capable of managing a platonic relationship with him. Even if we did slip up now and then, and regress back into our old non-relationship ways... I was okay with it. I understood the parameters of our friendship and knew that nothing more would ever bloom from seeds sewn so long ago.

But, as we had done before, our friendship began to intensify. In 2008 we were talking twice a week... then three times a week... by autumn it was every day. By winter it was every night, some mornings and gchatting while at work. There was New Years and Valentine's Day. There were our birthdays. He told me he loved me. And, I began to think "what if" and "why not?" It felt nice, and it was going well. And we were only three driving hours apart. And he was being so sweet and paying so much attention to me. And... And... And then, suddenly and without warning, it was over. Just like that. Over. The person he told me he "met" was actually a young woman who had been to visit him before. They had been e-mailing, and talking and building something long before he ever thought to mention it to me. Bits and pieces of an explanation eventually painted a picture of the truth for me. The WHOLE truth; not just the truth he wanted me to see. A nasty email was sent. There were two weeks of silent treatment. I broke the silence. Choice words were exchanged. And finally, there was closure.

But this morning I woke up weeping. I fell to my knees, in a bath towel and shower cap, begging for forgiveness, peace of mind, the ability to move on, the capacity to STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. "Please! Please, please, please, please, please," I rocked back and forth. Never mind I would be late to work. Never mind the extreme highs God had given me in the days immediately following the bad news. I was deep in the valley. I am deep in the valley. It hurts.

And what is it, exactly, that I'm hurt about? Did I think that we really had potential? No. But, I so hoped that we would. I hoped that something magical would happen and make all of our differences manageable. Yes, he's Catholic and I'm Baptist. That's okay, right? No. We have staunch religious beliefs that neither of us are willing to compromise on. Yes, I will venture to New England for grad school, and he will stay in the South. Pah! Did I really think we would be "just friends" for 4+ years without one of us finding intrigue in another person? That's laughable. Honestly. He doesn't believe in pre-nuptial agreements. I do. He wants lots of kids. I don't. I'm a giver. He's a taker. And, would I ever fully be able to let go of the pain I felt so long ago from college? Or, would I always secretly hold him accountable for past mistakes, and leverage said mistakes in any argument of my choosing? That's no way to build a relationship.

He said he wanted to get away from everything that reminded him of his "college self". He said he has bigger and better plans for himself, and he knows that I will do great things as well. He said he handled it the best way he knew how to, and still I'm upset with him. He doesn't know what he could have done differently. I had the freedom to date other people and chose not to. He met someone who inspires him, captivates him, and he has fallen hard for her (quickly, I might add).

Don't I deserve the same thing? Well, I know that I do. One source of my frustration, however, is that he is able to find happiness so quickly with someone else and I have NO IDEA when I will find the same. I know that God has Divine Timing, but where does it say that we must suffer such heartache in the meantime? I'm aching! I feel like something was stolen from me. I feel blindsided and rejected. I feel alone.

About a year ago I wrote that I had "all the answers" for women who were desperate for a man. I knew exactly what to say to women who use the "boo status" as a backdoor to a relationship. Now, I'm looking at myself and I'm starting to feel pathetic. Is that not what I have just spent the past months doing, myself? Telling myself if I just wait it out, and remain patient, and give him what he wants... that he will come around. The truth of the matter is that you cannot settle for less. You have to demand - yes, DEMAND - the respect you deserve. If you want a relationship and he does not, then keep it moving. If he can get "relationship-like" qualities out of you without giving you an appropriate label, then why won't he? Meanwhile, while you're pining for him, and rejecting guys who seek to court you, he's out searching for a wife! He will leave you in the cold! And who will you have to blame?

This is not 100% my fault. He could and should have been more forthright and honest with me about this new girl. By the same token, was I not listening when he said "I love how fluid our relationship is... and that you're cool with it." Yes. I was present for that statement. He did not want what I wanted. No amount of patience was going to fix that. He told me he "wasn't ready for a relationship" which I believed. Somehow, this woman has managed to change his mind. I can't even be mad at that. He and I were not compatible. Maybe they are. Only God knows for sure.

When it occurred to me that I really wanted something more, and it wasn't something that he would be able to provide, then I should have moved on. I should have sacrificed my superficial contentment with our "situation" for the inevitable great relationship that I know God has in store for me. Even if it meant being alone. Especially if it meant being alone. I'm too good for this bullshit. I'm looking forward to the day I can say "I've cried my last tears" over him.

I will ask the Lord to grant me that privilege today, tonight, tomorrow morning... as long as it takes. I'm so over this! So, so, so over this. I can't believe I let myself fall back into this trap. I can't believe I'm obsessing over him like this. I desperately want to move on but can't seem to figure out how. I lean on my friends when I can, and then go home and beat myself up for making the same mistake twice. Anisa thinks I'm so strong, which I love. But, I have a secret. Strength, in my situation, involves: Weeping in the morning, applying my "strong face" with Mac blush, Almay eyeliner and nude lipgloss, praying often, laughing occasionally, heading home, and sleeping in a fetal position - tears streaming down my face - hoping that the night will last just a few hours longer to delay another painful morning. That doesn't feel like strength. It feels average.

Whatever. What. Ever. This is not the end of the world - just the end of a friendship. He was in my life for a season, and it's time to move past it. He already has, so really, there isn't much to even hold on to. I need to get that through my thick skull. This is over. It's over. The end.

Love, Dionne

[Sent at 3:05 am, May 21, 2009]

Michele,

So let me tell you how life can sneak up on you. So I got home and my classmate asked me how my workout was. I was like it was cool. I have been telling her to sign up for a YMCA membership . She mentioned "Mr. Man" because he said it was a nice gym as well. I was like I saw him at the gym today. She was like you know he bought a house right. And that really like stung because a year ago we were looking at houses and apartments. And like it was annoying to think about it. And my feelings were totally hurt. I just had to grab my ipod and take a long hot shower. It hurt. It really did, and I was feeling so cocky earlier. But what a difference a year makes. We aren’t even speaking and last year we were looking for houses together. Sheez, kinda tugs at my heart strings. So I had to take my own advice and just pray. I feel better. But I say all of this to say. It doesn’t just disappear. When you really invest in a relationship… when you compromise or put another person’s feelings above your own because you care…. When you forgive the unforgivable because you want to believe the unforgivable was the exception and not the norm.. when you let yourself love someone…. There will always be feelings.

DO I look back and see mistakes with Mr. Man.. yes. Feel like I should have left sooner… definitely… Do I have regrets.. NO. I feel like I learned from [previous men I've dated] and everyone else. And I don’t look at it as being a doormat. I feel like I am on a journey to become a wife, mother, and Christian example… Mr. Man was not always the man I wanted him to be. He did things that disappointed me and hurt me. For some of my friends, they may think I let him walk all over me to a certain degree. But I feel like I wasn’t going to change the woman I was trying to become because he wasn’t the man I deserved. In the past I have been very selfish in relationships and always ready to call it quits. With Mr. Man I worked, I really did. I most certainly wasn’t perfect but I tried. And I needed to go through that to learn how to be a better woman for the man I deserve (whenever he comes).

And my classmate said to me: “Dionne, I think Mr. Man is a good man and I know you are a good woman. And I know you don’t believe me right now but sometimes it is all a matter of timing. And you don’t want him now but if God wants you to be with him then you will be.” I don’t say this to say you will end up with "the boy" or I will end up with Mr. Man. She just wanted to me to understand timing is so important and God has divine timing.

And finally, Your friends will always be here for. You just let me know what you need and I will do it. I know the other bridesmaids feel the same way. This is rough. Lean on your friends. We are waiting to be there for you, because you have been there for us. Don’t ever feel like you can’t share because we all LOVE you. Well, have a good day sweetie.

Love,
Dionne

This is what you call "A N!gga Moment"

So, I've been recovering from the series of unfortunate events that transpired in my life about two weeks ago. I've been doing okay. Naturally, some days have been better than others. Some nights have been harder than others. Some tears have fallen harder than usual. But, I'm keeping it together. I'm moving forward.

In an earnest effort to move forward and heal my wounds, I began attending weeknight church services with Cece last week. Her church is celebrating its 14th anniversary by hosting guest pastors on weeknights and Sunday services for the next few weeks. I was ready for a word from the Lord last Wednesday, and that was exactly what I got. I was so motivated by what the pastor said, I decided to come back the following evening for more inspiration and healing.

Now, I fully intend to post my notes from each sermon in the coming days. I'm attending church tonight as well, and hoping that God will speak directly to me as He has been doing so often within the past two weeks. But, the "N!gga Moment" I encountered was en route to church from work. Being that Cece and I work together, we decided to carpool and grab dinner prior to the service. There were only a few options and we were in a hurry, so to KFC we went.

Mistake #1 - Oprah decided to give away free chicken last week. Y'all remember that? The decision to do so is not what offended me. I understood that it was a "grilled" chicken meal as opposed to fried - an encouragement to all overweight Americans to eat healthy. What was appalling, however, was the number of times I received Oprah's coupon in my inbox, on my listservs and various e-groups. N!ggas love them some chicken don't they? 'Specially if it's free chicken.

Mistake #2 - Why didn't I print that bad boy out?! My uppity self just knew I would not be near a KFC any time soon. But lo and behold, as soon as we drove into the overcrowded parking lot, there was no turning back. Literally - there were cars and people all around us. We were locked in, and had to eat there before we missed the opening prayer. As soon as we walked into the restaurant a young lady walked up to us and asked "y'all got a coupon?" The n!gga in me responded "Uh, I left it at my desk at work. Can I get a free meal anyway?" LOL. Huey would be so disappointed in me.

Mistake #3 - Y'all know black folk move slow. We stood in that line for 30 minutes. IN LINE. I developed an uncontrollable laughter at the comedy of it all. We were standing in line at KFC, where everyone around us was probably eating their free little meal, and we were about to spend $4+ on a two-piece combo. We were on our way to church, and would probably be late because we were so hungry for some chicken. We would be LATE to CHURCH because we were EATING CHICKEN. Does that not sound n!ggerish to you?

Mistake #4 - KFC is stingy as hell. They gave us two little fried chicken nuggets as opposed to the full grown chicken wings we thought we ordered. They should be ashamed. Cece and I called it a blessing in disguise though, because who really needs to consume all that greasy fried fast food anyway? They should owe me $2 for skimping on my meal. Y'all know how n!ggas get 'bout they money...

But then, I received my blessing from the Lord. We made our way to church, got seated, and began to worship (on a full stomach, no less!). God reminded me that, though I may be hurting now, there is joy in the morning. He has great things in store for me. He will never give me more than I can bear.

It's hard. I won't deny it. And, I'm looking forward to the day when I have my last first kiss. My last first argument. My one and only "true love". It's coming! It's coming. Until then, I must champion the small triumphs. I must smile often. Laugh even. And, every once in awhile, embrace something so small - but so humerous - like a N!gga Moment. Thanks, Mr. McGruder! And above all, thanks be to God.

Holy Ghost

Holy Ghost
Fall down on me
Let your Spirit
Fall down on me

Holy Ghost
Fall down on me
Let your Spirit
Fall down on me

Create in me
A new heart, O God
And renew the right spirit
Within me

Cast me not away from thy presence, O God
Take not thy Holy Spirit from me

Holy Ghost
Fall down on me
Let your Spirit
Fall down on me

Holy Spirit
Help me to walk right
Talk right
Live right
Help me to be right
I’ll never do anything
Without you leading, Spirit

Holy Spirit

Cast me not away from thy presence, O Lord
Take not your Spirit from me

Holy Ghost
Fall down on me








[I’m begging]

God Speaks, Pt. 2

After dinner, I snuck out (leftovers in hand) to head to the Bilal concert. I was meeting a guy friend for the show, and calling it a date to make myself feel better about life. I paid for my own ticket, but he kept the drinks flowing. I felt good about it. The opening act was cool, but when Bilal took the stage - my GOD. A whole new energy poured into the venue. I was on my 4th Vodka Tonic and catching a contact before he even got halfway into the first song. He performed a mixture of songs from his unreleased album "Love for Sale," and the better-known album, "First Born Second." The crowd hooped and hollered with every riff, ad-lib, and solo. But the most triumphant moment of the evening was when everyone detected the opening chords for "Sometimes."

I wish I could find a way to describe the pure euphoria of those ten minutes. I felt something stirring in my soul as I watched Bilal sing, scream, whisper and speak the lyrics of the song. Not one mouth was closed as everyone in the venue sang along. "This is a song that makes me spill out all my guts, sometimes! I wish I wasn't me... sometimes!" brothas yelled. I saw the hands of God tugging at everyone's hearts. He was working in the smoky, sweaty hole-in-the-wall club. "I wish I knew the truth without searching!" I exclaimed. Happy. Hurt. Peaceful. I was in awe of the experience. People weren't just singing - they were releasing. "...Sometimes, you ain't good to me and I am good to you and you don't see my intentions the way that I do, sometimes," we all pleaded. Eyes were closed, sweat was dripping off of foreheads, sistas were rocking back and forth with hands in the air. "Hey Slim, you should be nicer than you are sometimes," I screamed. Yesssss! This is what I'm saying! Yesssss! "You got me wishin' I didn't HAVE HOME TRAINING SOMETIMES." Get out of my head, Bilal.

"I wish I knew life with nooooo pain, sometimes. I wish I held the keys to this game, sometimes," we all cheered. "...I'm sayin' it because I love you, and I wanna grow with you baby. But you wanna run in the other direction, so, I got to stay on my path until I win! I win! I win! I win! I wanna win... I wanna win..." We're jumping up and down now. We're rejoicing. We're releasing. Everyone else knows the words to our favorite song. We all feel the same way. We all have something bottled up inside and right here, right now, in this place, at this moment, with the rest of our beautiful black brothers and sisters, we're getting it out.

I was close to tears. And, I was centered, and peaceful for the rest of the evening. It was like attending an ultra-alternative church service. The Reverend was preaching through song, and the hymns moved through us like holy water. I had called on God. I had begged Him to have mercy on me, and help me through this rough patch. God did just that.

THEEEENNNNNN I met my IDOL - Eric Roberson! I know that idolatry is a sin, but Erro is a genius, and I was elated to meet him. In my drunken stupor, I said to my date "that's Eric! I'm going to go say hi." LOL. I waltzed right up to him and introduced myself. I told him I loved his music, that I come to all of his shows in the city (except for the most recent one due to a prior engagement), and that during one show in particular, when he and Algebra had forgotten the words to a song, I was the one in the audience singing loudly to remind them what the words were. At that time, he had tried to send the mic my way, but I shied away, dodged the mic, and retreated into the audience. He remembered me! I told him I loved the new stuff he had on his blog, and that he should leak more tunes for fans like me. I also commented to him that we had the same alma mater which had him beaming. We produce some talented individuals, I tell ya'. We took a picture together, I told him it was a pleasure to meet him, and then I bounced. How fulfilling.

Sunday morning, I picked up Ruby and headed to church. (Real, conventional church with an ordained pastor and everything). The sermon was about Graduating and respecting the PAUSE that God places in our lives. The metaphor Pastor Olu used was this: after our last final, and before we walk across the stage, every senior has to pause. They have to wait for their grades and pray that those credits add up! It is during that time they should and must reflect. God is about to move them into a new place in their life. By the same token, we don't have to be a student for God to graduate any of us to a new place in our life. There are peaks and there are valleys. In order for God to get us from one mountaintop to another, we have to pause in the valley, assess our relationship with HIM, and sometimes, we have to let some things go. God wishes that we would just TRUST in Him sometimes. Yes, it's painful now to have to let a person in our life go, but if we would just trust in the Lord and believe that He has something better planned for us - we could reach that next mountaintop so much faster! We get so consumed with everyone else. We feel like God has pulled us over on the interstate, and all of our friends are just whizzing past us. Why has God made us pause? Because He as something SO GREAT in store for us... and He needs us to stop for a second, and prepare ourselves, and meditate, and concentrate, and align ourselves with HIM. Amen? Amen.

I'm growing.

I had been trying my hardest to stick with that boy. I had compromised myself a number of times. I had compromised my feelings. I had compromised my heart. I had compromised my health. The only way God was going to get me to wake up was if the boy did something so drastic... so devastating... that I had no other choice but to throw in the towel. I obviously had not learned my lesson the last time. I had manged to overlook so many "little lies" and so many uncomfortable situations. But this was the last straw. I mean, I'm worth so much more. And he was bringing less and less to the table. God had to do something dramatic so that I would pay attention. That doesn't mean it hurts any less. But I see clearly now.

I'm also having to learn to stop beating myself up all the time. Of course I tried hard to make it work. I'm built that way. Giving up is way harder than trying. I didn't do anything wrong. And, females find themselves in the exact same situation as me all the time. I should never apologize for doing my best. And that's all I did. I gave him the best of me, though he did not really deserve it. And, to be honest, the boy is already forgiven. Because this situation is not about him and me. It's about what God wants for our lives. We're better off apart. I will have to learn to love him from a distance. While I will miss our conversations about good music, and good books, and politics, and stupid things we've seen in the media... I will find new outlets for these conversations. I will move forward and (try to) not look back. I have no other choice.

Ruby and I went to a baseball game after church, and while she played in the kids section, I phoned my mom for a quick chat. She could tell by the sound of my voice that I was feeling better. I was. I told her about my weekend, and what I was learning about God. She was proud of me. I'm proud of me. The Lord is working in my life in ways that I don't fully understand just yet. But I'm breathing sighs of relief. I'm thanking the Lord for blessing me in the midst of my trial. I'm overwhelmed and excited to be growing closer to Him. It's been a long time coming...

God Speaks, Pt. 1

God is good all the time. All the time, God is good.

Amen? Amen.

The best thing I did for myself this weekend was not sit in the house. I know that consuming exorbitant amounts of alcohol might be considered contradictory in terms of "signs from God"... because, well... since when does God condone drunkenness? But let me tell you something: I have grown more in my relationship with God this past week, than in all prior 24 years combined. And there was plenty of alcohol involved. God was speaking to me in my language... through friends, situations, concerts, contact highs and yes, spirits. How ironic... "Speaking to me through spirits".... He is after all, the One who turned water into wine. I'm just saying.

Friday, at around 2:45 pm, my boss sent an e-mail to our whole team telling us to pack up for the day. We were headed to The Loop for drinks and appetizers. It had been a long week. God bless that Jewish man, because he read my mind. Drinks on the boss? Count me in.

Afterwards, I met up with Melanie to finish watching the playoff games of the evening and reconcile some of the differences in our relationship (as well as vent about the boy). It was a truly meaningful conversation, and I felt so much better afterwards. In a gchat conversation the day before, I told her how much I was hurting, and that I was reluctant to talk to her about it because she was always consumed with how much she hated her job. She admitted she felt like she was slipping into a depression, and apologized for any inconvenience it may have placed on our friendship. Well, depression is no laughing matter, so we discussed her issues, and then we discussed mine. Friday night we followed up over margaritas and I had an opportunity to really pour my heart out. She was so supportive. Willing to help me in any emotional way I needed. To have non-judgemental people in your life who love you unconditionally are the only friends worth having. That's exactly the kind of friend she is.

I headed home, drunk and a little delirious after all the emotional talk, and passed out immediately. Saturday morning I woke up a tad hungover and a lot depressed. Anisa sent text messages every few hours to check on me, which I truly appreciated. I headed to the gym to run off some of my anxiety... but to no avail. I then headed to the grocery store to stock up for the next few weeks (I had been so broke, that groceries had been the last thing on my mind lately). I washed my hair, and then created a "feel better" playlist on my iPod for the blowout/flat iron routine. It helped. So did the two Miller Lights I downed in the process. I put on a fancy cocktail dress for a birthday dinner I had at 6, and started amping myself for the Bilal concert later that night. I was overdressed for the evening, but I looked damn good. I started strutting around my room, throwing my silky hair across my shoulders, and smiling at myself in the mirrors... This stupid-ass boy is an idiot. Who would ever want to give me up?? LOL.

Birthday dinner was SOOOO fun. Vodka Tonics were flowing and dinner at Papdeaux is ALWAYS amazing. Tasted even better once I figured out the birthday girl's mom was treating the entire dinner party. Yum! My spec from my sorority was at the dinner too (she happened to be the bday girl's biological older sister). I admire her so much. She's a Harvard Law grad, so I immediately brought up Yale SOM and we began talking strategy. We of course wandered into the topics of relationships (she's newly married) and had a very candid conversation about my current lovelife (or lack thereof). Of all of the advice she offered, the biggest points that stuck with me were these: I'm not the only one who deals with confused, trifling, misguided young men; There has to be a point when I assess whether or not someone DESERVES my friendship - which has nothing to do with self-esteem, or feeling haughty - and act accordingly; I cannot give someone 100% of myself if they're not willing to do the same for me. Amen. She told me that she given six years of her life to a young man who turned out to be absolutely no good for her - to the point that he's no longer allowed to even call her. She assured me that the boy will reach out to me again when his new relationship inevitably fails, and I will need to make an earnest assessment of what value he adds to my life. Yes, I know what I contribute to his... but what does he contribute to mine? If the list is short, is he worth keeping around? Honestly. Finally, she told me that, once she was able to make a clean break from six-year dude, God put her future husband in her life. They dated for six months, got engaged, and were married this past February. "When you least expect it... that's when it comes." Church!