The BIG Issue

I was chatting with Cece over drinks the other day about why I've been an emotional wreck for the past week. We were trying to get to the root of the problem, even though I already knew what it was. It's the relationship thing. I don't get why he doesn't want one. But I don't want a relationship either... so why can't I just chill the ufck out? "It's because you're not in control," she said.

Ta da. She's right.

"He's your 'Big'! You know you guys will most likely end up together, so just relax for now... Stop trying to control the situation, and just go with it," she soothed.

He's my "Big". That's cute. He's the guy whose path I will continuously cross until we end up at the alter... or one of us dies. He's the guy who will continue to take me on this rollercoaster - unbeknownst to him - until both of us eventually break down and decide to commit. You know, sometimes I felt bad for Big. Carrie would have some unrealistic expectation of him, she'd dissect the problem with her girls, write about it, and maybe spend excessive money on a new trinket to calm her nerves... and all Big wanted to do was watch the game! I mean, c'mon Carrie. It's not that he didn't want to talk - or do whatever you wanted - he just wanted to do it later. You know, after the game?

Other times, though, I didn't feel so bad for Big. HE was the reason Carrie ruined a perfectly amazing relationship with Aidan. Well, really, Carrie was the reason, but you get what I'm saying. Big was the source of the problem. It was because Carrie couldn't get him out of her system. They were star-crossed lovers or something, destined to be together. They were soul mates. Blah blah blah.

So, the boy is my "Big". Does that mean that I'll meet an arguably more amazing guy, with puppy dog eyes, and a kind heart, and a gentle soul, and a peaceful spirit... and then ufck it all up so that I can be with "Big"? I'll just spit in the new guys face, even though he hasn't done anything wrong, and doesn't deserve the heartache? That sucks, man. And, I hated Carrie for doing that.

Hm. So, where is he? Aidan? Where are you? Come on and ask me out so I can break your heart and go back to the guy I really, deeply care about. You're probably better for me, but there's just something about my "Big" that I can't let go of. Something I can't quite put my finger on. Something about him that makes me smile... that comforts me... that keeps me warm.

Come on, Aidan! Let's go ahead and get this over with...