Notes To God, I

Dear God,

First and foremost, I want to thank you for all of the blessings that you have bestowed upon me. You have been much better to me than I’ve been to myself. I want to thank you for the glorious vacation I was able to have in Puerto Rico among old friends and new. I want to thank you for the rain clouds and the sunny days, dear God. The beach was beautiful; the ambiance serene. I was able to rest and party, read and sleep, enjoy drunken moments as well as dramatically sober ones. It was perfect.

Though I spent too much money (I can pay Discover later) and possibly focused too much on the negatives in my life – I grew closer to you, oh Lord. After Lewis suggested that I read “The Shack,” I made my way to Borders and picked it up just in time for my flight. I must admit, the heaviness of the book didn’t quite make it a poolside read. But you already knew, God, that it was just what I needed at that time. I couldn’t put it down while I was there. I had to wear shades (and risk the raccoon-tan) because the storyline had me in tears chapter after chapter. The protagonist in the story suffered something so heinous and tragic, that it reminded me I have little to complain about. Yes, my mother has cancer – but she will persevere and triumph in this battle. Yes, my grandmother is dying – but such is the cycle of life. And God, as you very well know, I’m suffering from a broken heart right now. But I trust that you will mend it, and make me strong again. That is why I love you.

I believe that these situations, while overlapping and overwhelming, are occurring so that I may rely on you. I am learning that, while I may not understand the trials right now, you have already determined the verdict – and I will come out on top. You are teaching me that I need people in my life who will make me better; not anyone who will abuse my friendship, and make me question myself. And while I feel like I’m at war right now, my battle has already been won. My mother’s battle has already been won. And you will keep my grandmother in your loving arms, and grant her peace when her final hour comes.

But God, if I may, I must ask: must it always be this difficult? I mean, I wake up every morning and talk with you. I bless your name. I meditate (or try to, at least) en route to work. While I know these things – these hurts – are good for me, must it always be this difficult? Why is it that the boy gets to be madly in love with a new girl, and I’m left to emotional numbness? The songs he once sang to me, he now sings to her. The intensity of our relationship has completely vanished – and he now has someone new with whom he shares inside jokes, daily conversations, late night talks, and a growing love. And so suddenly? I know I cannot comprehend your greatness. I know I cannot attempt to rationalize what you have already deemed necessary. I know that the best is yet to come. But, if it’s not asking too much, could we please expedite the current smarting process? Yes, through pain we learn and grow. We won’t make the same mistakes twice. We will use our scars and wounds as reminders of previous wrongs, and make them right moving forward. Maybe he’s not meant to be in my life. Maybe his season has passed. I’m okay with that. I honestly am. I just ask that, if it’s in your will, please help me to stop dwelling on him. Help me to move forward. Help me to stop Facebook stalking him. Help me to find peace. Please.

You’ve been so good to me, dear God. You’ve blessed me with deep and pure friendships. You’ve blessed me with a family who loves me unconditionally. You have graced me with good looks. You have graced me with good health. You have even provided superficial things to make me smile – such as new bags, new shoes, new electronics and the like. I know I don’t need these things. I know I don’t deserve them. And you have done wonders for me because you love me. I hope that, as I grow with you, I will make you proud. And, I’ll bear these burdens God, because I know you are with me and each event in my life serves a purpose. I will seek out the beauty in these sometimes troubling instances and bless you in all of it. I love you, I bless you, and I will glorify your name. Thank you for all of it.

In Jesus’ name… Amen.