Friends Who F- Things Up

I need some friends who do dumb shit. I need friends who f- things up every once in awhile. I need some friends who make mistakes. I know I have them, but as I reflect upon some of the dumb things I've done recently... I don't feel like their sob stories compare.

I was taking Cece to the airport the other day, and her roommate overheard a conversation we were having regarding the boy. I lightheartedly (but seriously) mentioned that I'd like for him to get hit by a bus... or something to that effect. After giving the roomie the cliffs notes version of the story she reminded me to "be careful of my words" because "words have power". Wow. If I thought I had the capabilities of determining his fate, you can bet your bottom dollar I would have done so by now. While I understand that people can 'speak things into existence' I won't believe that my deepest desires for that boy to succumb to bewildering tragedy will happen until... well... it actually happens! I don't think my words have *that* much power, basically. It is what it is.

The conversation with the roommate progressed as I reflected upon what my mother had told me just a few short months ago. She said to me "Michele, YOU are still in a relationship with him, but HE is not in a relationship with YOU. So, you can spend as much time dwelling on this as you like - but until you get to the point that you don't care anymore, you'll continue to be in this relationship. You need to reach a point that - heaven forbid - he could fall off of a cliff and it would not phase you. You gotta move on from him."

Preach, Mama!

But the roommate contended that "not caring" is "not of God" and that if I'm depending on myself to reach that very extreme point, I may never 'get over him'. Fair enough. But THEN the conversation started to sound a little bit like a lecture. And, I had to turn my brain off for a second because I wasn't a fan of being lectured by peers. I have a relationship with God and I'm fully aware of how my actions played a role in the devastation of this summer. The course I used to 'move on' is mine and mine alone. If I need to make snarky remarks every once in awhile to make myself smile then so be it. God knows where my heart is and that is all that matters. More importantly, everyone in a relationship with God knows that it helps to share an empathizing story rather than quote gospel. The most compelling stories about God's greatness come from people with a TESTimony. So, don't tell me what I'm doing wrong - tell me something YOU did wrong and how God fixed it. It's difficult to hear God's word from someone when it sounds more like a Sunday School lesson than compassionate words from a consoling friend. Anyone can quote scripture and make you feel bad for saying mean things. Who can empathize, counsel and guide without coming off as condescending? Hmmm.

On top of that, a few weeks back I confided in Denise that I felt guilty for fooling around with a platonic friend when I knew he had a girlfriend. I. Am. Sorry. But we established a level of comfort a looooong time before he met this girl and when coupled with the fact that I'm LONELY and kinda-sorta don't give a damn, what we have is a recipe for potential disaster. She chastised me too. Look people - it's not like I don't already beat myself up when I make bad choices, okay? I'm an intense, borderline OCD perfectionist who has a hard enough time letting little shit go. I'm not a sociopath. I know the difference between right and wrong. But what the hell? Cut me some slack! Pat my back! Tell me it will be okay. I don't need a smack on the wrist or religious guilt. I need some reassurance that these shortcomings are a bi-product of recent events and do not necessarily reflect on my moral character. Tell me what I already know.

What I NEED are people who understand me, grant me wiggle room, allow me to vent, allow me to cross a few boundaries, and essentially prevent me from driving to NY and punching somebody. I need people who understand what it's like. People who have their own flaws and don't live in these cookie-cutter lives with all the answers but none of the testimony. I need friends with patched-up hearts, religious conviction, and empathetic wisdom... who happen to occasionally do some really DUMB shit.

Where ARE you guys?!