We Can't Have It All

I got waitlisted for an MBA Prep Program today.

It was a program that I had been really enthusiastic about to begin with. I told all of my other B-School prospect friends to apply as well. I anticipated all of us getting in, and traveling the country together for seminars, panel discussions and campus visits - all through this saving grace of a program. But, I got waitlisted. I'm happy for those who made it in (per my recommendation to apply) and will proceed to prepare for the GMAT, but I must admit: I'm bummed.

The boy and I had a slight back-and-forth via gchat today as well. Now that I've begun working again, my body is in the process of re-adjusting to work hours. Needless to say, last night, after a brief phone convo with him, I slept like a baby. Today, in our typical day-long chat session, I mentioned as much. He, however, has had trouble sleeping over the past few nights. He couldn't tell me why he's had trouble sleeping, though. He anticipated that I would "start acting weird" if he told me the details. I was tempted to press him about it, but I elected not to. I believe he knows me well enough. If he thinks I'll be upset over something he dreamed about, he's probably right.

But wait a minute. The only thing I've ever truly been "upset" about when it comes to him is another female. So, he's dreaming about other females, huh? Should I be annoyed by that? I am. I'm even more so annoyed by the fact that, just last week, we were going back-and-forth about how well we REALLY know each other. He tries to hide behind this illusive facade, making himself seem more introspective/complicated/mysterious than he actually is. That's not to say that he doesn't possess those qualities... but I peep them. And, I recognize the degree to which he possesses each trait. Like: you are a pensive guy and I LOVE that about you... but you're also extremely reactive. I'm just saying. After years of dealing with a person you learn their nuances... and mannerisms... pet peeves, habits, quirks, colloquialisms and the like. If you're like me, you get to the point where you can practically finish a guy's sentences. You can look in his eyes and know what he's thinking (but not mind read (because there's a difference)). It's not about being cocky, and thinking you know it all. It's about being thorough in understanding him (to the point that you naturally anticipate his words and actions).

After that particular argument, his concluding words to me had been: "you don't know me as well as you think you do." OH. Okay. But in THIS debate, you already know how I'll respond to your dreams? You "know" me; but I don't "know" you. Interesting.

Finally, today, I received a somewhat overdue email from a hiring manager today. She was "regretting to inform me" that someone had already filled a position for which I recently interviewed. Someone from HR had already told me as much, but I appreciated that the manager would reach out on her own. Because it's good form (and because I'd already secured another position and could finally bear some professional criticism without crying) I replied, inquiring as to why I hadn't been offered the position. After all, the resume is always a work in progress. We could all stand to do better - regardless of where we stand in the world. HER response, though, completely rubbed me the wrong way. She referenced how I could have been more "assertive" in my previous role by "taking ownership" of projects and doing "more that what was required" in my position.

HAVE WE MET?!

I can give you a plethora of projects and references that all attest to my abilities. I am the quintessence of everything you just said! I owned more projects than any other entry-level employee I knew at the time! I was diligent in all work efforts, and consistently did more than was EVER required of me! My boss, and my boss's boss could and would tell you this any day of the week! Are. You. Serious. ??

It's clear: we CANNOT have it all. We won't always get the recognition we have earned (even when our accomplishments sing loud and clear). We won't make it into every single program to which we apply. The unspoken love in our life won't always be able to share his dreams with us. And sometimes, we'll earn gainful employment with one group, while losing an opportunity with another (that pays less and is managed by someone who makes poor wording decisions in virtual correspondence).

But, we CAN count our blessings. We have our new job. Our goals are still in tact and we can pursue business school without the assistance of some program. We are learning to let things go, no matter how bothersome. We have our dear friends (who prevent us from sending hasty response e-mails). And we have Neapolitan Ice Cream to soothe our souls after long and trying days.

So, for now at least, I can settle for "most".