God Speaks, Pt. 2

After dinner, I snuck out (leftovers in hand) to head to the Bilal concert. I was meeting a guy friend for the show, and calling it a date to make myself feel better about life. I paid for my own ticket, but he kept the drinks flowing. I felt good about it. The opening act was cool, but when Bilal took the stage - my GOD. A whole new energy poured into the venue. I was on my 4th Vodka Tonic and catching a contact before he even got halfway into the first song. He performed a mixture of songs from his unreleased album "Love for Sale," and the better-known album, "First Born Second." The crowd hooped and hollered with every riff, ad-lib, and solo. But the most triumphant moment of the evening was when everyone detected the opening chords for "Sometimes."

I wish I could find a way to describe the pure euphoria of those ten minutes. I felt something stirring in my soul as I watched Bilal sing, scream, whisper and speak the lyrics of the song. Not one mouth was closed as everyone in the venue sang along. "This is a song that makes me spill out all my guts, sometimes! I wish I wasn't me... sometimes!" brothas yelled. I saw the hands of God tugging at everyone's hearts. He was working in the smoky, sweaty hole-in-the-wall club. "I wish I knew the truth without searching!" I exclaimed. Happy. Hurt. Peaceful. I was in awe of the experience. People weren't just singing - they were releasing. "...Sometimes, you ain't good to me and I am good to you and you don't see my intentions the way that I do, sometimes," we all pleaded. Eyes were closed, sweat was dripping off of foreheads, sistas were rocking back and forth with hands in the air. "Hey Slim, you should be nicer than you are sometimes," I screamed. Yesssss! This is what I'm saying! Yesssss! "You got me wishin' I didn't HAVE HOME TRAINING SOMETIMES." Get out of my head, Bilal.

"I wish I knew life with nooooo pain, sometimes. I wish I held the keys to this game, sometimes," we all cheered. "...I'm sayin' it because I love you, and I wanna grow with you baby. But you wanna run in the other direction, so, I got to stay on my path until I win! I win! I win! I win! I wanna win... I wanna win..." We're jumping up and down now. We're rejoicing. We're releasing. Everyone else knows the words to our favorite song. We all feel the same way. We all have something bottled up inside and right here, right now, in this place, at this moment, with the rest of our beautiful black brothers and sisters, we're getting it out.

I was close to tears. And, I was centered, and peaceful for the rest of the evening. It was like attending an ultra-alternative church service. The Reverend was preaching through song, and the hymns moved through us like holy water. I had called on God. I had begged Him to have mercy on me, and help me through this rough patch. God did just that.

THEEEENNNNNN I met my IDOL - Eric Roberson! I know that idolatry is a sin, but Erro is a genius, and I was elated to meet him. In my drunken stupor, I said to my date "that's Eric! I'm going to go say hi." LOL. I waltzed right up to him and introduced myself. I told him I loved his music, that I come to all of his shows in the city (except for the most recent one due to a prior engagement), and that during one show in particular, when he and Algebra had forgotten the words to a song, I was the one in the audience singing loudly to remind them what the words were. At that time, he had tried to send the mic my way, but I shied away, dodged the mic, and retreated into the audience. He remembered me! I told him I loved the new stuff he had on his blog, and that he should leak more tunes for fans like me. I also commented to him that we had the same alma mater which had him beaming. We produce some talented individuals, I tell ya'. We took a picture together, I told him it was a pleasure to meet him, and then I bounced. How fulfilling.

Sunday morning, I picked up Ruby and headed to church. (Real, conventional church with an ordained pastor and everything). The sermon was about Graduating and respecting the PAUSE that God places in our lives. The metaphor Pastor Olu used was this: after our last final, and before we walk across the stage, every senior has to pause. They have to wait for their grades and pray that those credits add up! It is during that time they should and must reflect. God is about to move them into a new place in their life. By the same token, we don't have to be a student for God to graduate any of us to a new place in our life. There are peaks and there are valleys. In order for God to get us from one mountaintop to another, we have to pause in the valley, assess our relationship with HIM, and sometimes, we have to let some things go. God wishes that we would just TRUST in Him sometimes. Yes, it's painful now to have to let a person in our life go, but if we would just trust in the Lord and believe that He has something better planned for us - we could reach that next mountaintop so much faster! We get so consumed with everyone else. We feel like God has pulled us over on the interstate, and all of our friends are just whizzing past us. Why has God made us pause? Because He as something SO GREAT in store for us... and He needs us to stop for a second, and prepare ourselves, and meditate, and concentrate, and align ourselves with HIM. Amen? Amen.

I'm growing.

I had been trying my hardest to stick with that boy. I had compromised myself a number of times. I had compromised my feelings. I had compromised my heart. I had compromised my health. The only way God was going to get me to wake up was if the boy did something so drastic... so devastating... that I had no other choice but to throw in the towel. I obviously had not learned my lesson the last time. I had manged to overlook so many "little lies" and so many uncomfortable situations. But this was the last straw. I mean, I'm worth so much more. And he was bringing less and less to the table. God had to do something dramatic so that I would pay attention. That doesn't mean it hurts any less. But I see clearly now.

I'm also having to learn to stop beating myself up all the time. Of course I tried hard to make it work. I'm built that way. Giving up is way harder than trying. I didn't do anything wrong. And, females find themselves in the exact same situation as me all the time. I should never apologize for doing my best. And that's all I did. I gave him the best of me, though he did not really deserve it. And, to be honest, the boy is already forgiven. Because this situation is not about him and me. It's about what God wants for our lives. We're better off apart. I will have to learn to love him from a distance. While I will miss our conversations about good music, and good books, and politics, and stupid things we've seen in the media... I will find new outlets for these conversations. I will move forward and (try to) not look back. I have no other choice.

Ruby and I went to a baseball game after church, and while she played in the kids section, I phoned my mom for a quick chat. She could tell by the sound of my voice that I was feeling better. I was. I told her about my weekend, and what I was learning about God. She was proud of me. I'm proud of me. The Lord is working in my life in ways that I don't fully understand just yet. But I'm breathing sighs of relief. I'm thanking the Lord for blessing me in the midst of my trial. I'm overwhelmed and excited to be growing closer to Him. It's been a long time coming...