A Hug for Myself

Well. I decided to let it go. The saga that I started by sending an anonymous email has finally ended by my letting the GF have the last word. She was infuriating in her first email to me, and after I responded, her follow-up was condescending and downright rude. But you know what, had someone come at me that way, I'm not sure I would have reacted differently. What's trifling is that he let her do it. He provided ammunition and obscured me to be the villain; the psychotic ex; the groupie; the jump off; the silly girl who couldn't let it go.

My friends have been comforting to me - each in their own way. But, no one has been in my shoes, or felt what I'm feeling. I cannot honestly expect to get a sound word out of advice from any of them. People cannot give what they don't have.

So, if I were my friend, this is what I would say to myself:

[HUGE BEAR HUG] "Girl. I know. I know... let it out. You never thought it would come to this, right? I know. It's okay. Let it out.

You deserve so much better. And I'm not saying that to be cliche or because you're my girl. I'm saying it because it's true. Look at him. Really, see him for who he is. He has never made an effort to put a title on your relationship. He has never defended you or stood up for you in this situation or any other. In college, when girls were staring at you crazy, he LET that happen. Now, he has forwarded all of your email addresses to his new girlfriend. He is not standing up for you. He is lying about you, dragging your name through the mud, and ruining your reputation. I know it's difficult to let it go. I know it is. But you can't continue to feed the beast. It will only escalate. You have to be the one to put an end to it - even if it's a passive end.

Do you see the way he looks at her? The way he introduces her? The way he references her? He never did that for you. Ever. And you deserve that from someone. You do. Someone who DOES have a job. Someone who DOES have a career path. Someone with money in the bank. Someone who is honest. Someone with goals. The man you deserve respects women. He doesn't indulge in drama. He doesn't treat people like "things". He respects feelings. His word is his bond. He listens. He cares. He's selfless. He's mature. He's handsome. He's humble. He's thoughtful. He's well traveled. He's well read. He's gentle. He will compliment you perfectly.

He won't lie about who you are, how he feels about you, how he felt about you, or the status of your relationship. He won't deny your past because it's convenient for his present. He won't drop you for something shiny and new. He won't remain silent as others attack you. He won't put you in emotionally draining situations.

He will admire you. He will build you up. He will catch you when you fall. He will honor you. He will trust you. He will earn your trust. He will respect you. He will love you. He will LOVE you.

[Rubbing back] You will get through this. I know it's hard. I know you're disappointed, and frustrated, and confused. I know you're hurt. I KNOW you're hurt. And I know it feels like God is looking over you... passing you by. But He is not. Maybe THIS is what it would take for you to finally cut that negative man out of your life. Maybe the 2nd, 5th, 9th and 15th times were not enough. But the great thing about God is that He is patient and understanding. Before you even met that boy, God knew what the outcome would be - and He knew how long it would take for you to learn your lesson. So praise God that the time has finally come. Move forward. Clear you heart of all anguish and pain. Clear you heart of all turmoil. Pray for forgiveness of self. Forgive the very one who has caused you this pain. Move forward. You will need a clean heart and a renewed spirit for the Love that God has in store for you. You will need energy, and humility and room for Love. If you remain bitter and heartbroken, there will be no room for the joys that your future love has to offer.

Make peace with this. Take your time... but know that as soon as this chapter is over, you can begin the next one. It is up to you how long that will take. He treated you badly, and that was wrong. But YOU cannot fix his heart. YOU cannot win this war. Sending emails and trying to explain the situation to her are futile efforts. Being catty and snide in response to her is childish. He has already won her trust. And she is clearly blinded by, eh, whatever it is they have for each other. You cannot direct this show. You cannot control the next moves. Know this though - he will pay for what he has done. Your email war with this girl, and heart wrenching sadness, and sleepless nights, and daily agonizing, and persistent headaches, and loss of appetite, and endless soul searching are your penance. You have surely gained what you needed from this situation and God knows how sorry you are. You made decisions - some good, some bad - and have paid the price for them. Move forward. Leave him behind. Grow. Open you heart for what God has in store.

I love you. And there's nothing you can do to ever make me stop loving you. You are a beautiful person, and it pains me to see you go through this. I'm so sorry that there's nothing more that I can do. But you are a strong person. You are resilient. You deserve more. And, more is on the way. Leave him behind. Love yourself enough to leave him behind. Love yourself enough to ignore her rude comments. Love yourself enough to leave both of them in their places - in your rearview mirror. Move forward."

::sighs:: Deep breaths. He told her I was a jump off. He has implied that I mean/meant nothing to him. I know what I did was fucked up, and I apologize for that. I sincerely do. I don't feel the need to say that directly to either of them - but I will send that sentiment into the universe. I am remorseful. I have learned not to let my emotions get the best of me. I have also learned not to let a man have the best of me - particularly when he is a slimy, manipulative, self-serving, lying-ass, backstabbing, insecure, immature, ego-maniacal pig.

That felt nice.

[Bear hug for myself]

God makes all things new and I will follow Him FORWARD.