Perfection Breeds Contempt

My real problem is that I hold myself to a standard of perfection that I’m now realizing is unattainable. I am a complete wreck when things beyond my control take place, because it affects my ability to be “perfect”. In college, after participating in a pageant and joining an honors fraternity, I began to receive more attention than normal. After pledging a Greek letter org, that attention grew exponentially. By senior year, I might as well have been a local celebrity. And – that’s not to brag, it was just a reality – I was able to maintain a level of perceived “perfection” in most aspects of my life. Now, my personal life got a bit messy (to say the least), but in hindsight, I didn’t really mind that. I feel like personal lives should be just that – personal. Because, if you take a look into ANYBODY’S personal life, you will see some mess. I’ll leave it at that.

Right now, though, it’s incredibly difficult to maintain that level of perfection. And I won’t say that the standards were low in college – because they weren’t. It was probably harder to be “perfect” at an HBCU than it is at my job. Currently, because I have so little control, and feel the weight of so many of life’s pressures, I must say I’m really beginning to feel the burden. Every time I look up, something else is wrong. My check engine light is on, though I just took my car out of the shop. I’m finding difficulty in sticking to personal calendars I’ve set for longer-term goals (like business school). Every responsibility at my job is “urgent” and I never have enough time to catch up. How am I supposed to impress these people if, in their eyes, things are not getting done “perfectly” in an expedited manner? It’s stressful. My apartment is a mess. I’m not enjoying my roommate situation… but I can’t control that either. I can make strides to change what bothers me, but I can’t control another human being…

I am just finding it difficult to get back in stride with the life I’m accustomed to. I know that bumpy roads are a part of life, but all these pot holes and speed bumps I’m encountering on this long, uphill road are starting to do serious damage. I feel like I’m drifting farther and farther away from the concept of “perfection”. It is disconcerting to say the least.