The Break Up

Have you ever been digging through your old things and stumbled upon traces of the person you used to be? It might be an old journal or day planner... maybe some old photos. It might be an old college notebook with notes or doodles revealing something or someone that was consuming all of your thoughts at that point in time...

I was in clean-up mode a few minutes ago, and had to sit down to let some things simmer for a little while. I was reading through an old college notebook, and was immediately transported back to senior year in college. In retrospect, in the midst of all the soirees and spirits, the year was pretty painful. Everything I managed to write down regarding the boy dealt with the issue of trust - and how our "relationship" lacked it completely. I was always suspicious of his behavior and whereabouts. I was constantly holding my anger in and letting it get the best of me. I was always confused, upset, anxious, indignant or irate. What a way to live, right? It was neurosis at its finest.

I remember hearing (or perhaps reading) that the best reason to keep a journal when you're in pain is this: to remember exactly how you were feeling, so that you will never enter a situation that might re-create those feelings again. Basically, record rock bottom so that you don't hit it twice. After reading all of those poems, sad love song lyrics, day planner notes, journal entries, and random livid notebook quotes, I began to feel like my 22-year-old self again. I mean, not only had our "ending" been bad, but everything leading up to that fateful end had been catastrophic. The recollection of "rock bottom" started to become real again. So much so that I considered just ignoring his inevitable phone call tonight even though we're currently in a comfortable place. Not good. Why would I ignore his call tonight, after we've already made up for what happened three years ago?? [Look, this is him texting me now.] Anyway, in that moment, about thirty minutes ago, I had to place everything back where it belonged, and returned to my evening movie.

Coincidentally, "The Break Up" was on USA tonight... That happened to be the first movie I saw after the boy and I ended our thing. What I love about this movie is how realistic it is... and how, after all the hurtful things Gary and Brooke did to one another, there was still a possibility that they could get back together. The whirlwind of attacks, tears and destruction that took place, however, was all too familiar. When the the two weren't trying to internally sort out their feelings towards the other person, they were busy ruining any possibility of reconciliation. It was funny on screen... less so in real life. I loved Jennifer Aniston so much that, years later, I began wearing a ring on my index finger as a semi-tribute to her. "The Break Up" was, in part, a true-life story for that woman. And look at how resilient she managed to be in the process. Coincidence indeed.

Everything is fine. Good, even. But sometimes you just have to take a deep breath, I guess. I mean, WOW. Every female that has fallen for a man can surely relate. It's like, you're all into him again, and then it clicks: "this is what he as done in the past; this is what he is capable of." I know that people grow up and mature and improve themselves. I completely appreciate that. But, it's a matter of keeping things in perspective. To appreciate "growth" we must measure from the point of origin, correct? And man, to look at him now, and read the way I felt about him then - you'd think I was referencing two completely different people. I don't know. I guess the Single Aesthetic here is learning how to appreciate and learn from the past without letting it interfere with the present. Re-living those old experiences is only good for two things: smiles and/or tears. The former is great. The latter is for the birds.