Clutch Players

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
~Maya Angelou

I will say this. My friends, for all of their weaknesses, and even in light of recent events... they come through in the clutch. They're there when it matters. They pick me up when I fall. And, even when I haven't fallen... and just feel deeply disappointed in someone, or something for that matter... they stay down for the cause. Whatever I need. They are there. I'm so, so blessed.

I wish I could say the same for the boy. It's officially over. No more back and forth. No more obsessive blogging. No more denial. No more wishing, dwelling, pleading, or crying. I'm done. And you know, it's not even as emotional of a departure as it could be. I've been through this before. I'm still alive. I have the capacity to keep going, and I will. He's just not that into me. He met someone, and wants to explore what it's about. While his initial statement on Thursday was not as forthcoming as it should have been, it was an attempt (albeit halfhearted and pathetic) at honesty. It took a phone call with Dionne to get the true story. It took a follow up call with the boy to hear him say it himself. He's a tricky little man. He didn't volunteer any information. But, I knew the right questions to ask, and got the information I needed from him. I'm not as mad at him as I am at the situation. The words were hard to hear. But, I'm glad they were said.

He's selfish. Plain and simple. He wanted to reap the benefits of our "thing" and pursue other possibilities at the same time. He thought his "quick chat" on Thursday was the out that he needed, telling himself "at least I was honest with her," when in reality, it was just the tip of the iceberg. He didn't mention that she had been to his hometown in recent weeks to see him. He didn't mention that she lived in New York. He didn't mention he'd be seeing her in DC that weekend. And, when we spoke yesterday, he had NO intentions of telling me how serious their courting actually was. Nope. He was going to keep me in the dark. Until when? ::sighs::

Fool me twice, shame on me.

I'm keeping it together, though. I'm upset, don't get me wrong, but I'm not devastated. I'm not irate. I'm just really, really disappointed. I know this is for the best. I know that I can do better. I know that I WILL do better. I deserve it. I really do. I just wish it hadn't come to this so soon... you know? I was enjoying it. But, it is when we are most uncomfortable that we achieve the most growth. And, boy, this young man is teaching me life lessons and growing me up SO fast. It's hard staying strong. It's hard staying mature. I'd really like to find his social security number and ufck up his credit. I'd like to throw something. I'd like to punch somebody in the face.

In lieu of those fancy ideas, I'm just going to sit here at my work computer, pretending to plow through this ever-mounting pile of work on my desk... and smile. I'll smile, and be polite to others in the hall, and laugh loudly at cubeside jokes, and gchat with my clutch friends, and update my status frequently to show that I'm cool. The constant updates might be a little OD, but it's okay. I deserve at least one recuperation day.

Deep breaths.

Deep breaths.

This is just a bump in the road. I've asked God for "signs I can see" so that I'm clear I'm moving in the right direction. (Sometimes, when I just ask God for "a sign" I manage to overlook it). And, ta-da! God comes through in the clutch too! During drinks last night with Anisa, a guy friend of mine walked in (randomly) and we caught up, which was great. Exchanged numbers and everything. He will surely be a fun friend for the summer. This morning, while driving to work, another guy friend sent me a text to say he saw me driving and just wanted to say "hi". We're going to see Bilal this Saturday in concert, so his text was timely and definitely lifted my spirits. Finally, I reached back out to Lewis (remember dude who lives in NY?) and he'll be visiting me in the weeks to come. :-)

I'm smiling. I'm moving forward. And, I will be okay.







And speaking of the clutch... Go Boston.