Peaks and Valleys

I’m liable to punch somebody in the face.

If I have learned anything from my mother in the past few weeks, it’s this: do not let people stress you out. Initially, I interpreted this epiphany to mean “do not let co-workers, employers, colleagues stress you out.” Lately, though, I’ve had to amend my interpretation to include friends. In all honesty, I’m finding my friends, collectively, to be some of the neediest, most selfish, least sensitive people I know. Oh yes, they are sensitive to their own needs, but they rarely extend the same genuine sensitivity to the people around them. Each of the bridesmaids has managed to lay at least one of their burdens on my shoulders. One invited herself to my home for a weekend, though I would have much preferred to spend two days alone. Though I enjoy her spirit and humor on most occasions, there are some instances when I just want to be alone. Last weekend was one of those times. When she returned home, she got into a car accident and I was compelled to follow up and ensure that she was physically and mentally well. In days following, she placed me on a party-planning committee for her sister’s line-sister. Why am I helping to plan a party for a person I don’t even know? And why do you assume that I don’t already have enough to do? That’s insensitive. Though I love her dearly, this is the same person who once chastised me for not following up with her when her grandfather’s health was failing. At the time, she would sit and talk with me for hours on end about the man in her life and how he wouldn’t take out the trash. In my mind, I was lead to believe this was the priority in her life. It was only weeks later, when she sent a lengthy e-mail to me about her grandfather did I learn that she was livid that I hadn’t once asked about his health. To me, it seemed as though she would have brought this up at least ONCE in our conversations about garbage duty, if it were actually important. Don’t get me wrong, the health of one’s family is always a priority. But how do I know to inquire when you make no reference to the situation. Ask me how many times she has followed up with me about the health of my mother? Exactly. Insensitive.

Another, God bless her, is moving here for a summer internship with a local law firm. I’m proud of her, and want to be supportive, especially since both of her parents have been in and out of the hospital lately. I’ve taken time out of my day to help research and even visit condos and apartments where she could potentially sublease for the summer months. I’ve calculated the distances from said apartments to her future job to ensure she’s close enough that her commute is not a burden. These are not things that I had to do. But, I did them because I love her and I try really hard to be a good friend. I’m not even angry with her about the situation, because I volunteered myself for it. But it is yet another instance where I’ve extended myself, and bent over backwards for a friend that might not necessarily have done the same for me were she in my position.

A third bridesmaid has been somewhat of an emotional mess lately. I’ve tried as hard as I could to be supportive with phone calls, text messages, and even a casual drive by her apartment just to check on her. Unfortunately, she’s the type to cut the world off when she’s deeply emotional, leaving me to question if she’s truly okay. She picks and chooses when to answer the phone, or even be responsive for that matter. So, when I finally do get a positive response, I feel compelled to oblige her every whim. She wants to come over to chat? Sure! She may need to talk and get some things out. She wants to drink tonight? Okay, let me reorganize my schedule to accommodate her. She’s feeling sad? Let me put down what I’m doing for a sec to console her. But wait, on instances when I need to talk, or want to drink, or want to just sit quietly with a friend – she’s busy. She has plans with her on-again-off-again guy friend. She’s with a co-worker. She’s asleep. Well, what am I to do then? Do I continue to try AS HARD AS I CAN or do I start to let go? It seems as though everyone else is putting themselves first. When will I learn to do that for me?

The final bridesmaid hates her job. Join the club honey, we all do. She hates it so much so, that every conversation she participates in eventually winds up focused on her and how she can change career paths. I helped her review her resume at a happy hour. A HAPPY HOUR. You know, where everyone else is eating, drinking and being merry? Yeah, one of those. That’s how serious it is… to her. And, because it’s serious to her, it MUST be serious to everyone else. After a 20-minute pep talk, she’s usually able to move the conversation along to what’s going on in everyone else’s life, with an occasional mention of her disdain for her job here and there. But the bottom line is that she cannot remove herself far enough from her thoughts about work to enjoy the joys of life that are taking place around her. That’s selfish. I realize that we are all dealing with stress, and handling it differently – but does everyone else realize this same truth? YOU are not the only person going through something. You’re not the only person in a valley. You’re not the only person who is stressed. Allow yourself to listen to others for a change, without consistently redirecting every conversation to a problem that you are having. At the very least, say you’ll give it a try.

Finally, there’s the boy. I had confided in him that I was feeling this way about my friends, and he really took this to heart. He called me last night to reiterate that he loved me, and that he valued our friendship, and that he couldn’t bear to think about us ever “not speaking” or “taking a year off” as we have done in the past. He told me I was “quietly becoming the best friend he had.” He followed that sentiment by telling me he had met someone. He met someone. Nothing has happened between the two of them, and he’s not even sure anything ever will. But, he was intrigued by this girl, and wanted to be upfront and honest with me about it. I could appreciate that. It showed growth from the last time we had been in this situation. And yet, this is just one more burden to me. He is another person in my life who is reaping all the benefits of our friendship, and I’m the one crying myself to sleep at night for having fallen in love again. It’s not his fault. I was the one being patient, and accepting that he didn’t want a girlfriend, and helping him with career moves, and listening to him vent, and trying to cheer him up, and daydreaming about him all day, and talking with him late at night … and for what? I tricked myself into believing that we were building something. I tricked myself into believing that if I could just wait it out… if I could just hold on… that I could finally get what I wanted from him, which was a relationship. But that’s just it! I can’t seem to hold onto him! I’ve never been able to do that. Maybe I never will.

Meanwhile, while I was doing all of this so-called “building”, he too was establishing a strong and stable friendship with me. A friendship that he truly valued and could not see himself without. One that had “perks” that was cool, and enjoyable, and fun, and passionate, and deep. And yet, in all reality, who knew when we would ever live in the same city again? He accepted that I might meet someone else, and did not shy away from the opportunity to do the same. He claims his honesty about “meeting someone” derived from him not wanting to “fuck me over.” He didn’t want to ruin what we have. But, he couldn’t deny that there was someone else who had caught his eye. The end result: he has a best friend whom he loves and doesn’t want to lose… and I have yet another broken heart.

Everyone is so wrapped up in their own problems, and so complacent with the fact that they have my shoulder to lean on, that they’ve neglected to actually be my friend. I need a shoulder too. And I’m pissed about it. I’m livid, really. Perhaps it’s my own fault for not speaking up sooner… but what the fuck? I can’t get a word in edgewise when everyone is whining, complaining, and sobbing about their lives. I can’t get a word in edgewise when people don’t pick up the phone either. So, I’m over it. I’m taking time off from the people I love the most. With tears in my eyes, and a truly heavy heart, I am wiping my hands clean of every burdensome situation that is transpiring with every loved one in my life.

Fuck you.
Goodnight.