Loyalty. Maturity.

I try really hard. Too hard, sometimes. I think.

My weekend was really peaceful, which was great. I did what I said I'd do (for the most part) and separated myself from my best friends. Friday night I went out with a new group of friends, and partied hard. After confiding in one of my platonic male friends about "peaks and valleys" in my life at the moment, he took it upon himself to buy liquor and open his apartment for a pre-game all in my honor. "That's what friends do," he said. Aw.

Saturday was jam-packed. Sorority meeting at 10. Take Ruby to the art museum at 12. Have her back to her mom by 3. Nap until 6. Babysit until 11. Finish gifts for my newest neo for the rest of the night!

Sunday was amazing. Great weather. Great friends. I woke up and went to church, had brunch with a group of Teach for America friends at West Egg, and killed time until a 4:00 movie with yet ANOTHER platonic male friend. Afterwards he treated me to ice cream, and we headed back to his place to watch the playoffs. Melanie stopped by and, of course, spent the entire evening yammering about needing a new job... but I let the Cabernet sink in and successfully ignored her comments regarding work. For the most part, it was quite pleasant. At times, though, it was a bit tedious.

And, in hindsight, it makes me wonder how upset I can really be with the boy - seeing as how I clearly have growing number of "just friends" in my life too. It should go without saying that my curiosity has peaked on more than one occasion, but I've always managed to silence those fleeting thoughts out of loyalty to him.

Loyalty. Hm.

The concept of loyalty (which I believe, in my situation at least, stems from a prevailing influence of maturity) seems to be rearing it's ugly little head in every mildly confusing life scenario I encounter. I'm not dating other men because I want to remain loyal to the boy. Even if I WANTED to explore curiosity with one young man in particular, I wouldn't be able to out of loyalty to a girlfriend of mine... Though they dated years and years ago, crossing that line is taboo and forsaken. I might as well kill myself if I think toying with their history won't end badly.

Loyalty naturally plays a huge role in my ever-complicated friendships as well. I bend over backwards for my best friends out of loyalty to them, though many are so blinded by their own problems that they fail to extend the same courtesy to me.

And perhaps, in all actuality, the bigger issue really is maturity. In a late-night convo with my Mommy yesterday, we discussed the discord in many of my current relationships. I'm emotionally exhausted. The maintenance of these friendships is taking a toll, and leaving me to foot the bill. But, are the problems rooted in personality differences, or just plain maturity? Do I perceive the world differently, and handle stress in a certain manner, because I'm a little wiser than my peers? Does being the oldest child play a role? Do the stars and astrology play a role? Has my upbringing and exposure to various cities, towns and countries have anything to do with it?


Well, of course it does. As an oldest child, I was called upon to help raise Paris and MB. As a Pisces, I'm naturally more sensitive and in-tune with people and things around me. Pisces are said to possess a "natural understanding of things around them" which I thoroughly believe in and agree with. And, sheer exposure to new places and cultures undoubtedly molds individuals for the better - teaching tolerance and the ability to adapt. Truth be told, I think I've always been a bit more mature than my peers. It seems, however, to more of an issue now that I am older.

Indeed, the culmination of all of these factors has created the person I am today. It's a shame that, for all the beauty to be found in this revelation, that said maturity proves to be a help and hindrance simultaneously. I cannot really relate to your extensive indecisiveness, my friend. For a moment - yes; for weeks on end - no. I cannot understand your compulsive need to be the center of attention. If we're performing "Les Sylphides" for an audience - yes; if we're drinking and watching basketball - no. I don't understand your obsessions with shopping or dining out. And, I don't understand why you'd even think to put our friendship in jeopardy. Not now. Not ever.

Loyalty and maturity: lofty to strive for... harder to maintain.

I found myself getting a little jumpy this morning, too. Though I had managed to set my mind at ease over the weekend, I was back to my old self at 9 am. I was busy worrying, contemplating, analyzing, rationalizing, sighing, stressing, and facebook stalking. This huge frenzy - and for what? I can not control him. I cannot control any of the bridesmaids either. All I can do is control how I am affected by them. Taking a step back proved effective for a weekend, but how was I going to sustain that peace of mind? It's impossible, really, because I need to address each of them on an individual basis. But I don't want to... just yet. Well. I do want to address the boy. And I have a laundry list of things to say, questions to ask... overall pleas for understanding. And what if the end result is disappointing? What then? Am I making too big a deal of this? He just said "he met someone" and I'm over here planning their honeymoon. I need to chill.

Ugh. The internal back-and-forth could go on forever. It's time for me to stop sacrificing my happiness for others. It's time to start putting me first. I've been too loyal to others for far too long. Time to be loyal to me.

Time to be loyal to me. It might not sound like a "mature" sentiment... but I assure you that it is.